The Letting Go...

One year from now, I'll be at that wonderful age. The time of freedom and fullness that I have so rightfully earned from years of living life and gathering coins on someone else's time line. I am soooo joyFULLY anticipating this day!! 

Weird? Well maybe for some, but for me, it means the beginning of the rest, the best, part of my life. Well, apart from the birth of my girls, or shall I say women, that share my love and life. Let me explain...

I've spent the last 10 years listening to my soul song; following it through the highs and lows, flatlands and mountains, rain storms and bright suns. Adjusting my sails and steering around the storms of the  "machine" as I journeyed. There were times that I couldn't hear the music at all. Those were cold, dark, and confusing times. There were times when the music was loud and almost deafening; a scream to pay attention! These were the times of awakening, the times of remembering, noticing, learning...as I approach the time that will finally be mine, it seems that the music has taken on a soft melodic meandering tone that is healing. It sings of time, and space, and all things coming true. These stanzas, some played just in the last hours has moved me to write again. So here I am, composing my prose from a much older, much wiser, and if I'm honest, a profoundly fatigued station in life...

As this wonder has been unfolding, to my chagrin, I have also felt a sense of deep sadness. Not the kind that comes from an ending per say, but more the kind of melancholy that comes from the slow, deliberate grind in the turning of the wheel. The march of time that no matter how hard we wish, can never be slowed or silenced. 

Just yesterday, I was chatting with my oldest daughter. A child once determined to live out her wildest dreams, and succeeded in the biggest way. She was confessing with a cheeky giggle that she and her sister were going to meet with their hubbies at a common point on their way to an over seas adventure. I was being teased that it was "sister time". Since they, like my younger sister and I, live many miles from each other, I understand the sacred sister time. In the past, I have had the honor of being on the sideline as they commiserate over coffee. It's a seat from where I witness the most incredible transformations. My daughters, their selves. Both amazing women, both living the life they were meant to live. Proudly, loudly with no apology. Both so intelligent, so knowing, so courageous, and brave, living life large!! 

My heart warms knowing my girls are spending time together when they can. At the same time, it occurred to me that this is yet one more slip in the grip of a mother's hand; to hold on with all she has to the children she bore, only to have to give them back to the world from where they came. Being a mother means holding your children close for just a little while; they are only borrowed to us for a time.

The letting go happens...perhaps from bone deep weariness, not having the strength left, or perhaps its the wisdom of age and the knowing, whispering  "You don't have to hang on any longer".  

I am blessed that my parents are still Earthside. They are in their 90's but are, with every fiber, a vibrant force. I ponder their life, their fearless grit. They wake up every day with a smile and a to do list that must be attended too. I am in awe of the courage it takes to live their life at the very edge of the next. Yet, being so far away from them, realizing the amount of minutes spent with them in their lifetime is minuscule at best; I feel that tug of time on my heart. All the wishing in the world won't bring back those minutes. Each phone call, each birthday card, each holiday celebrated in a 15 x 15 back lit frame is a letting go of what was, and a realization of what will be. It reads like a sad Dickens story of sorts, doesn't it...

And yet, life goes on. Love changes, becoming bittersweet. People come, some stay and shine a warm light on our lives, others go, leaving dirty footprints and lessons on our souls. Lives morph into what will be, what we make of the trials and opportunities presented, or on a roll of the dice. There is a blindingly beautiful mystery to it all. 

There is so much to look forward to, so many dreams to realize, HA, even at my age!! But the letting go, of what was, what could have been, what is...that part; that's the part that feels like a heavy suffocating blanket of regret, reflection, and remorse. It can be easy to curl up under it and disappear. 

Still, there are memories that keep us warm, songs that stir something deep within our hearts, bringing a knowing smile to our face, a long forgotten picture that was tucked away for safe keeping, dried flowers that are but sticks and dust a plastic baggie, that remind us of the rich life we have lived thus far...

It's the constant achy tug between the soft warmth of a dreamy memory and the harsh cold slap of what wasn't meant to be.

Maybe in the letting go, we make room to receive even more of that richness with a depth borne from experience, regret, love, and time. Our new vessel is forged from the steel seeds we harvest from the past, while the future fills that chalice with all the fluid music our soul is now grown ready to play...

"Being Thankful"

It was the weirdest thing, here I was this afternoon, walking in the parking lot of my local Walmart when I was struck by a profound sense of thankfulness. It almost stopped me in my tracks. This is not a good thing to do when one is walking in a parking lot, as they may find themselves being turned into a hood ornament...........rapidly.

I have to say that I have been riding a rather good wave lately. I just had a birthday and at 51, I am in better shape and feel more healthy and feminine than I have in many years. I have much to be thankful for. Good health, a wonderful companion in my husband, 2 beautiful daughters who are successful and centered in their lives, and 2 awesome dogs to share the couch with. I have connected with old friends, met new ones, and through these reunions, I have found my way back to a past life that I did not know existed. With the help of my new old friends I am re learning skills that I developed ago. I could go on, but this is deliciously redundant, in a good way.

But there is another side to all of this. The world is seriously running a mock. Just today, there was another mass shooting in a school. There are people who are maiming and destroying mankind in the most hideous of ways. There are people who are loosing their loved ones to disease and divorce. Children are growing up learning spite and hatred and are following a sure path of destruction. For anyone who is aware to any extent about the Mayan prophesies, it makes one take pause because it would seem that the world is indeed about to cease, to implode on Herself. How much more can this earth and Her children really take? This is scary stuff.

I find myself feeling guilty because in the light of all of this ugly, how can I even begin to feel thankful. Yet, I do. But, I have a theory.

For quite a while now, I have had the personal belief that there is a black and white, a yin and yang in life. I also personally believe that if this balance isn't maintained, we, as a people will suffer. Some, like me and my clan of friends, feel these shifts and imbalances. I think many in the world feel this , not all are comfortable enough to acknowledge it, but make no mistake, they feel it.

There is joy and pain, there is happiness and sadness, there is fortune and there is poverty. As you read these words, there are certain thoughts that will come to mind, depending on your point of reference. To me joy is freedom from stereotype and boundaries, pain is having to live by someone else's definition of who I should be just to fit in or save a relationship. Happiness is complete comfort in your own skin, sadness is looking in the mirror and wondering what the hell happened. Fortune, to some its accumulating financial independence. To me, it's family and friends, comfort in my tribe, comfort of having what I need, not necessarily what I want. Poverty would be living an extreme life that is devoid of any joy, happiness, or true fortune. What does all this mean to you. It would service your soul for the good to ask and answer these questions.

It is truly hard to find joy and thankfulness after hearing what happened today at that school. Mass shooting and killing, it rips the soul apart. I don't want to even turn on my television in the morning any more. But, this is my plea to you. Acknowledge these tragedies, feel the pain with all your heart and say a silent prayer to your higher power for peace and love. Cry and mourn. But then, turn your self around and stand tall, face all this misery and ugly hatred, and look it square in the eye. Vow that your heart, mind, and soul will not give energy to this black hole in life. Vow to be better because of it, to be more compassionate, to be more loving. Vow that every morning you will wake up and be thankful for all that you have, for the new day, for the people in it, for the opportunities that are set before you. In doing so, we will balance out the ugly and painful, maybe even over power it, weaken it.

Without it there is no reference. Being thankful would have no meaning without the dark side to remind us to look at the blessings that we have before us. This balance is as old as ancient times. But some of what is happening today does not serve to balance us, it intends to destroy us if we let it. We have to take the good with the bad, but we do not have to take the truly evil at all.

I once read that we are all connected by threads of energy. What type of energy surging through these connections are all up to each one of us. If we all make a conscious decision to send only the positive, if we let our light shine brighter, and our tribe and our brother's tribes do the same, love and joy will always prevail, then we can be truly thankful.

"Sibling Revivalry"

I was on my way home from a wonderful visit with my little sis, my mom, and my niece and nephew. Since life lived finds us with about 800 miles of earth between us, we have found a half way point that offers fun things to do and a comfy place to stay to spend some time together. As I was traveling back toward my corner of the world, my youngest daughter was traveling toward her big sis for a visit. Again, these sisters find that life lived has also created an earth span of about 800 miles between them too. I wonder if they feel as I do........................

Well, having nothing much to do but sit and steer, I had time to let my mind wander. It wandered back in time, thinking about me and my little sister and how life and growing up is a winding road full of laughter, love, and the occasional bout of sibling turmoil. I tried to think back to my very first recollections of me and my sis. I remember back when she was young and we shared a bedroom together. I remember the toy and teddy bear tea parties and the fights over which side of the bedroom was whose. I remember one such argument ended up with my sis having to go to the emergency room to get a few stitches in her head. Well.......she was teasing me, and I chased her, and I can't help it if she is clumsy on her feet. Not like me, I was graceful. (or so I thought) I was also scared of what my mom and dad were going to do to me when they got home, not to mention afraid for my sister too. Oh, then you promise yourself that you will try to love your sister more, even IF she hogs your side of the bedroom. But, alas, the promise doesn't last very long, and you're at it again. Growing up together is a bittersweet journey. Some of it is fraught with squabbles, crabbing, jealousy, competitiveness. But much more of it is sharing, loving, and a lot of giggling. I smile as I drive on..............

Now, in my minds eye, we are older, I'm married and she is here to visit. The visits are such fun, and yet, they reveal something strange. I am living far away now, and because of that, I don't see the gradual growing and blossoming of my dear little sis. When I left, she was this “irritating but can't help love her” kinda kid. When did she grow up? Heck, our single male friends even want to meet her, maybe take her to dinner. Really!! My little sister, no way, she's not old enough for that. Huh?.......... She has gone to school, is in her first career, working for a living. She has an opinion and some life experience to back it up. WOW!! I'm having babies, and she, playing the confident and fun Auntie steps in to help out when and where she can. Whether it be back home, over the phone as I struggle with the responsibilities and fears of new motherhood, or in person changing diapers and cuddling babies so I could get some much needed sleep, my little sister is slowly evolving into a close friend that I can't do without. Not that I couldn't do without her before, she was always important in my life. But, having children of your own to share with your sister, well that brings a whole new dimension to it all. The second generation, as it were, seems to change the dynamic of the first. I think even my sister, as she watched me become a mother and stumble my way through this time in my life, developed a sense of pride in her big sis. Not that she didn't have that before, but motherhood makes it different. It's that second generation thing again. I know that I feel a sense of pride so profound as I watched her become a mother and confidently raise my niece and nephew. The part that I am truly humbled by is that my little sister, not only is an awesome mother, but she has completed schooling and learning to develop a most impressive portfolio and has progressed herself into a career that is beyond words, all while being a loving mom and caring sister.

Now at times my pride has been a bit tainted by the green eyes of jealousy I have to admit. My little sister is an amazing woman. When I look down her life path, what I see makes me feel very proud and also a bit inadequate. Siblings measurement of each other is as old as Cain and Abel. Some siblings take pleasure in these differences and flaunt them to the other, parading one's success. Not my sister!! She is the most giving of her success than anyone I know. Having only completed high school, my earning power is a bit, well, standard. But to my sis, I am the richest woman who ever walked. She sees my worth in ways that I can't and reminds me of my treasures often. She champions my dreams and my life. I can have some of the most hare brained ideas to the rest of the world, but to my sis, I am a genius!! Some people think that I have fallen off my rocker and have lost touch with life, to my sis, I am a wise visionary. She supports my unconditional love of dogs, my desire for incense and long skirts, my tree hugging, my spirit searches, and all my ethereal ways. We tease that we are the proverbial city mouse and country mouse. I'm a little bit country and she is a little bit “New York minute”. When we shop, I sit and kindheartedly roll my eyes while we are in her stores, and she while we are in mine. But still, I can always find something in hers that is so “me” and she can in mine. It's the yin and yang of it all, different but the same, open to embracing and loving the difference in each other. It seems to me that this last visit, more than any, has made me realize how wonderful the love between we two sisters really is. She will do anything for me and my dreams, and I would do the same for hers.

I need gas and to get out to stretch, fuel up the car; maybe get a snack. Still my thoughts of my sister and the time we had just spent are in the forefront of my mind and again I smile.

Back on the road, back to my journey down memory lane..........

My sis and I, we have traveled down some similar roads to be sure. Both married, both divorced, both married again. Both have had some not so pleasurable relationships where without each other, we wouldn't have found the personal strength to get through. Both now have loving spouses, stable careers, wonderful children, and a life that we each call our own. We have each had to build this life pretty much as a singular body, but always with the love and support from the other. Thank the heavens above for modern technology!!! What with phones, computers, texting and the like, the 800 miles of earth between us doesn't feel quite so daunting as it used too. As we have aged and grown closer, technology has kept up with our relationship. Being able to pick up the phone to hear her voice as I share my triumphs and tragedies and being able to be on the other end of that phone when she needed me for support or cheer; has been a Godsend. Every day at my job, receiving an email from my sis instantly brightens my day. At any given point in time I can look at my cell phone and there is a quick text and maybe a picture to make me smile. We are connected by the techno of it all. For that I am glad. Still, its not the same as being together in person. There have been times that the phone just wasn't close enough, and if there was a magic to make us transport ourselves to each others side, we'd have used it.........

I think of my two girls and wonder if they feel the same way. Their relationship has always had the technology with it. Still, I wager a guess that they also feel the tug of a heart string when they chat on the phone and wish that it could be over coffee, sitting across from the other. I wonder, as they grow into their lives, how they will learn to create the time and space of sisterly togetherness. I feel a bit sad for them, as I do myself at times. No matter how much you talk, text, or email, you still miss being here.

The times of “here” are few and far between. Before we part, we always start planning our next meeting. Spare change goes into a special piggy bank, a date on the calendar is marked, travel plans are made. It gets us through.

They say that the world is connected by invisible threads. These threads are the connections of love. Many different threads, many different kinds love. But, the threads of love between sisters is one of the strongest that are ever created. It holds our memories suspended until we can be together and begin again.........................................

"The Family Tree"

The family tree..............let's ponder on this a bit.

A tree is rooted in the soil, one main trunk that grows upward, branching out in all directions. Each branch and leaf seeking its own path and power. As much as the tree grows upwards and outwards, it is forever permanently connected to the trunk and to the soil from which it originated, once only a tiny seed.

The tree can be a mighty oak, strong and singular. Or it can be a hybrid, one trunk on which another is grafted. The branches, leaves and fruit are a combination of the two.

As I ponder, a vision forms................I see in my mind's eye, a sunny hillside. On top of that hill is a massive tree. Thick of trunk, and the branches, covering the expanse of the universe. This impressive tree sways in the light, gently rocked by the breeze of life and love. It's movement is almost hypnotic.

I think of the family tree in this light. A large expansive connected mass reaching out in all directions. Think of your family tree for a moment. Who do you see here? Mom and Dad, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles, our children, and in my case, all the dogs I have loved before, and of present time. Maybe even a few cats, gerbils, hamsters, snakes, and other assorted flora and fauna. All these souls represent who we are and how we got here. None less important than the other, all play a part in the whole. Like the leaves of the tree who collect the sunlight and send it down the branches to the tree. And, the roots hidden deep below the earth, even though not seen, play the essential role of sipping up life's water and sending it into the heart and soul of the tree. No one part has a bigger roll than the other. All together, they make a solid impressive presence in the world. It says, “Look at me, I am the sum of all my parts, and I am beautiful!” Truly, yes!!

When I look at my own family tree, I see some unique characteristics. My family tree has been, at times, a meandering one. I have been married, lost loved ones in my life, married again. I have grown many branches on my tree. Step children, step grandchildren, other aunts and uncles, many relatives. In all of this, there is much life lived. Some remind me of happy times spent in the sunlight, on the upper most branches. Yet, some remind me of the dark, sad days spent in mourning and despair. Much like being buried under the earth, like roots, cold, dark, much too quiet. In these dark times, I was presented with a surprising realization of life, love, and yes, the definition of the family tree.

Family is what it is. Be it blood or other bond, family is the cohesive existence of many different souls all growing their own direction, each seeking their own path and power. Yet all supported and nurtured as a whole.

I thought about it..... my family tree is truly a hybrid. The trunk of my tree is indeed large of girth and solid as steel (thank you mom and dad for being my base and beginning). My branches consist of family past and present, and other families, past and present. Even though you sadly say good bye to loved ones, in whatever form that may be; when one branch becomes withered and falls away, the other branches still remain. Although not directly your blood, always, your bond. They are here, forever in your family tree. And they are yours, to love, to care for, and to support.

I wouldn't have it any other way...........................

"Suspended Animation"

You know what I mean? It's that moment in your daily life when something hits you right between the eyes. It stops you cold and you can feel life "suspend" in time. It lifts you off the ground, so you don't have good footing anymore. You can't quite catch your breath, and you feel a bit queasy. You can't get a grip on the ground so that you can move forward. It holds you up by the back of your neck like some ugly ogre (the kind with a big club and a whorty face.......ick). Maybe that is why the feeling of suspended animation can be accompanied by the hair going up on the back of your neck, it's the ogre, and he's got you!!

It happened to me this week. News from home, my mom was not well. She was going to have a procedure to make her better. At that moment, I felt the ogre reach out and snatch me up. Many questions came, when, why, who. All the questions were asked and answered. You would think that this would be enough to make ogre put you down. You know the drill now, so on with it. But no, it's more than that. Knowing is not, well, knowing. You are in that time of suspended animation because, NOT knowing, you can't move forward. Not until you know you can move forward with that person, my mom, again.

As I think of this concept, of moving forward together, it makes me realize that although we all move forward in one way or another, in our own separate lives, whatever threads that bind us all to one another move with us. When one of us stops, we all stop so as not to break the thread. So, does this make the ogre the puppeteer? Who's in control here? Hmmm, good question...............................One does see that we all, as a whole, move together. No matter how long the threads, if one person on that thread cannot continue, the rest of us will wait until they can.

Suspended animation is an uncomfortable thing. You can't move forward, all you can do is look back. That backward glance isn't always the best view either. Most reflections in the rear mirror are fraught with misgivings and missed chances; to tell someone you love them, you are proud of them, you miss them, you need them. All the things that you want to say but don't, stare straight at you when you are in suspended animation. You make a pact with the ogre.You will say these things, and much more, if he will only let you go and you are once again able to move forward, surrounded by the threads of love and care.

We all will be here from time to time in our lives. Suspended animation. It's potential is always right around the corner, ready to stop us in our tracks. We go from day to day, smug in our comfort zone totally ignoring the ogre in the room. Don't do that...............Don't become so confident in life that you forget in an instant the ogre could grab you and haul you right off your feet.

Yes we will all be there, of that I have no doubt. I guess the lesson here is while you are hanging there at the end of that dreadful ogre's arm, biding your time, waiting for your loved one to move ahead with you, make sure the view in the rear mirror holds no regrets.

"The Start"

The start, of anything; is an awesome, powerful, exciting, and terrifying place to be.

The start signifies a point in our lives where the forward movement begins. It is the point where our desires, our dreams, our passions are on the precipice of becoming whole and real. We have planned and questioned and thought and prayed. And now, we are ready to take that next step, and we start.

The start is forward movement. It has to be. We can spend much of our valuable time in stillness. Standing still can be the best move you can make.......for a while. Stillness is good, it allows one to reflect. Looking back on experiences, good and bad, then taking the time to embody how this has affected one's soul, is good....for a while. Why am I here at this place in my life, how do I feel about it right now? Listen closely, what does my heart and my soul say about this place, about thinking to start. Deep down inside, what is my desire, what do I need to start? Who or what do I need to put to the side to start?

Stillness can be hypnotic and deceivingly comfortable. But it can also blow the light out in the lamp of your soul. The start is uncomfortable and startling, it is exciting and scary, but this is the kindling that feeds the fire with in our souls. The fire that moves our heart into action.

So we will feed that fire and we will move forward, at the start. The beginning of a dream, of a life, of the realization of a desire so deep that stillness cannot keep it contained.

It's not easy, it's harder than you may think. Forever now, you have had a dream, a desire that has burned within you. It makes you feel alive and real. You know in your core that this is the dream that is yours and yours alone. You plan and research and read the road maps to your destination, and you're ready. Well that is, until you are at the start. The start of that journey is where you come face to face with your self. No one can take this step for you, and you can't take this step for any one BUT you. Even as you start, you may be looking back, wondering if this is right. But, remember that flame. The flame that moves your heart into action.

It's not easy coming to the start. Many will listen to those who are also standing at the start but don't move forward. Many will and do turn and run away. They return to stillness. It's comfortable, but inside, that flame burns a little less brightly. Some of the fuel has been taken away. They may be the nay sayers, those who you see as better than you, those who are supposed to know better. But what they all don't know is you and your dreams, that is your power, your fuel. Don't let them take away your fire.

You are your best friend, you are your best champion. Nothing any one says to you or about you is as true as the voice that comes from your own loving soul. Being this way isn't selfish or self centered, it's self reliant, and self radiant. It's self aware, and self loving. You would do anything for those that you love. You would stand there at the start with them and cheer them to success at the top of your voice. Why not cheer yourself on with that same gusto?

You will be at the start infinite times in your life. The feeling will always be the same. It is an awesome, powerful, exciting, and terrifying place to be. The good news is this, every time you are at the start, from this day forward, you will be more self reliant and self radiant than you were the time before. You will gain perspective and wisdom, you will feed your fire with awesome fuel and fan your flames with success and self love. Many times you will start, many times, you will succeed. Oh yes, to be sure, there will be times when you return to stillness, to that comfort and safety. But now, stillness will be a harbor along your journey, a place to drop anchor for just a bit, and take stock in your heart and soul. It will be a place to plan and to dream again, to reconnect with your inner most love and desire. You know you will start again, it is as sure as a sun rise. You may start in a different direction, you may start and go back. Either way, the start is moving forward.......................it has to be.

"Listen To Your Heart"

Such a simple statement, yet so darn hard to do. I have thought about this long and hard lately. Seems to me that turning 50 has made me quite the soul spelunker. What do I want to do with the second part of my life, knowing that this is the time for opportunity; is she knocking? Can't say that I would even hear her if she did.

I think, in order to listen to the whispers of your heart, you need to quiet the noise in ones' head. There is so much talk, discussion, arguing, cajoling, bargaining, yelling, and on and on, pick your adverb. And, yes this is all going on my head, yours too? Geez, no wonder we can't hear opportunity. She would need a sledge hammer to break through the din of all that.

So, what to do? Well, first off I am learning to meditate. Sounds simple, but again, so darn hard to do. Shutting up my brain is quite the feat. I am really loud!!! But, none the less, I continue. I sit quietly and use the visual of a golden yarn woven from words of strength, love, and good intentions. That yarn will wrap around any bad thoughts, feelings, or misguided pathways. The warmth from the glow will turn the ick into the fuel that feeds the golden ball of yarn. From there during my day, if I feel icky sneak up on me, I just close my eyes and see that golden ball of yarn. So far, it is working.

Then I find with that peace, I can work on forgiving me for being human and expecting too much. After all, I can only do so much and sometimes my alter ego.........hummm, I think I will call her "Icky", gets the better of me. I can be the most positive person in the world when helping others heal and come to love themselves, but gosh it is hard to heal my own soul. Go figure..........

I want the simpler existence, I want peace and calm, I don't want to worry about money, or work, or how I will pay the bills next month. Time and time again, it always works out, and the worry has just served to occupy my time in ways that don't serve me or my soul. Still, I find it hard to stay in the simpler existence. Still, I find that "Icky" is standing there in front of me, beckoning me to come with her down that path of crap that I am so familiar with.

Sigh................I do know one thing that is for certain!!! I KNOW without a doubt what my heart wants, and I KNOW without a doubt, that I will arrive there some day. The path is yet to be cleared, there is much under brush and thorny branches. But, every minute and every day that I can find my inner peace and work my own personal magic on my soul, is a minute and a day closer to my heart's desire. And, I KNOW that I can hear opportunity as she knocks. It's "Icky" that causes me not to answer at times, but I do, on occasion push past her. It feels so good to answer, and I want to answer more..........And I will.........

"Opportunity Knocks - How Will You Answer"

Tomorrow, like any other, is a gift. But tomorrow's gift is rare as it only comes around every 4 yrs. Tomorrow, we have the opportunity to have an extra day in this year 2012. How are you going to use your "gift" tomorrow?

This year 2012, foretold to be the year of great change. I like to believe that this change will be for the better, although, a glance at the news will make you tend to think otherwise. We try to find the subtle good that is in this world but the ugly keeps shouting at us. The opportunity for change is here, it lies with us, with in us. We must concentrate our energy and our time to making this world a better place, one day at a time, one "gift" at a time.

So, tomorrow, do a good deed, give of yourself, help a stranger, lend a helping hand, do a random act of kindness, speak only kind, soft words, pay it forward. Tomorrow, like any other, is a gift, but this one is especially precious. This is your opportunity, knocking quietly....how will you answer?

"Digging Out"

I guess that's what I'm calling it, what I have been up to lately. My usual upbeat, bright sided, and all in all, not bad existence was in a bit of a shambles for a while. Nothing earth shattering, or even bad, just life as it turns. For quite a while, life was pretty good, it was on the upswing as one would say. Then, as is the yin and yan of the rhythm of time, the crest of the wave broke and dumped me in the deep end.

As I sat there, wet and worried, I tried to take a step back and "call this something". Mainly thought it would help me cope, put a name on it, a white sticky backed tag with a felt pen name sloppily scrawled on it. Slap it on, right there. Then, it can stand in front of me, instead of live within me. "Digging Out"

It started with just a hiccup or two, small nuisances that came into my day. The norm felt like a pair of hose, just a half size too small. Just wasn't comfortable, didn't quite fit. As time went on, the rhythm started to stilt, the small things became many. It seemed like my cup was filled with ick and many things that gave me pleasure, were now causing me to fret and worry, be agitated and unsettled. What once was stable, was now muck and myer. I started to sink in this muck, down deeper, and darker.

When one finds oneself in this mucky mess, it is easy to be selfish, introverted, and not happy at all. I was there. I was selfish and I'm not sure if it was good or bad. Some of what irriated me needed to be dealt with, I needed to take charge of the part that was driving at me and pushing me off center. In that case selfish is good, cathartic, it gave me strength. I needed what I needed. But then selfish also meant I was closing off a part of me that should have stayed open to my life and those in it. This, my friend is not good. It causes blindness and a tunnel vision that can be very lonely.

I thank my wisdom and the time I have learned because these gifts were the branch on which I held to as I sank into the muck of selfish and frustrated and just not happy at all. That little light again.............All it took was a change of perspective. I wanted what was up there, above the muck and the myer. I wanted the light, the wonderful freedom that just plain being happy brings. So, I started digging out........

Shovel by shovel, each load a reminder of how wonderful my life is. Dig, dig, my amazing girls who have grown into amazing women. Dig, dig, my soulmate who would do anything for me. Dig dig, my ability to draw, to write, to play music, to dance, to make others laugh and smile. Each load revealing my light and my worth.

Now, I am finally dug out...........freedom.............Sigh, I know that I may end up around this way again. Life is like that. But, I will remember to grab that branch of wisdom and knowlege and hang on as I dig out once again. It's the yin and yan of life, and, it's OK.............

Sorry I've been away so long...........how are you?

I hope this finds you well in the pivotal year 2012. This is the year of cosmic and somatic change in the world. There is a vibration starting, a good one. If you sit quietly and close your eyes, breath deep, and sense, you will feel it. How wonderful.......We've taken alot from this Mother Earth, it is time to give something back. Give of yourself and your gifts, give to others, pay it forward, do good deeds, smile, sing, dance, pray, love, live in patience and compassion......live for the good of it all..........

I have been creating and cocooning over the past months. Taking some time to heal, adjust, and find prospective again. Some of you may know that I have published my blog as a book, creating the pictures from my mind into color, binding the words and thoughts into something to be held close and pondered.

Now, my blog takes an enigmatic turn, as is in life, another corner. Ahhh....what will lie, just beyond the next bend in the road.   I find that I have many intriging thoughts that seem to move through me. I will use this place to gather them together and share with you. I am so happy to be moved to write here again, so glad you are back...........let's travel together................

"The Cold Cream Conundrum"

The other day, my youngest stopped in to pay me a visit. It's always wonderful when the kids drop by. Today, though, it turned into a visit that sparked a deep soul search within me.

When my daughter dropped in, I was in the middle of an exhaustive search for the most definitive comparison of eye cream that I could find. You see, earlier that day, I would be found standing in the middle of the face cream isle at our local WalMart. I was reading label after label of foreign sounding ingredients and well worded promises to make me look like I had just sipped from the proverbial Fountain of Youth. Some products were reasonably priced, some others, seriously, how much does one need to spend for eternal youth and beauty!! Of course in my mind, if it doesn't cost as much as the national debt, then, it must not work, right? Recently, I had actually tried a fancy prescription face cream recommended by a dermatologist co worker. Well, I can say that I felt it did tighten up the saggy jowls a bit. The bags under the eyes weren't quite so, and it did seem that those pesky crow's feet and frown lines were a little less noticeable. But then, I went to the pharmacy to inquire about the cost. Now there's some shocking news!! Really, I now know how much one needs to spend for eternal youth and beauty. WOW!!

So, back to my visit with my daughter and the definitive comparison search on the old eye cream. After listening to me krutz and complain for a while, my daughter finally said, “Mom, you spend so much of your time writing about the joys of getting older and how great it is. Isn't this kind of against what you stand for?” Kids these days, really the insolence of the lot of them!! But then again, “out of the mouths of babes” it came. My youngest has always been my best mirror. She is one who will call a spade a spade. She doesn't let me run away from my self too often. And, in this instance, she had me completely boxed in.

So, what is it about all of this that is so unnerving? Why do we feel like we have to cream, needle, stretch and sew our true selves away? Why can't we look in the mirror everyday and rejoice in the wisdom and beauty that life's artistry has bestowed upon us? I remember a few years back, when I was in training for a mind body exercise program I teach. There was a woman in my class, Dotty. She was the quintessential earth mother. She was older than the rest of us by more than a bit. She had long silver hair, her face bore the markings of a life well lived. She made no excuses for her thoughts, her style, her self. She was an intuitive healer. In the week I spent with her, she gave each of us girls what we needed, when we needed it. She nursed us all that week, with the grace and knowledge that only her living could teach. She was so at ease and comfortable with her self, it was magnificent. I remember during one point in our training, we were to move to the music's calling. I looked at her, but she wasn't moving at all. Instead, she stood still, eyes closed, head tipped up, hands raised, the music called to her to rejoice in it, to worship it. By not moving, she moved in ways so ethereal and magical it cannot be put into words. This, my friends, only comes from living, and the acceptance of it. Glory to life in all of it's splendor. Even now, this image is so powerful to me.

So, back to my daughter's question, it's a hard one to answer. Yes, putting ridiculously priced beauty products on my face to try to turn back the hands of time is against what I stand for. But, what is so scary about letting all this be? My hubby says, I don't need these things. Bless his loving heart (course it could be his way of telling me that I should spend my money on more sound investments too). Either way, it's common sense. But common sense doesn't make one feel more secure about themselves in a world that is ruled by youth and beauty.

Oh that could be a whole other story........It's scary to know that you are getting older, showing older, feeling older. But, as I have mentioned, we don't get older, we “season to perfection”. So, maybe, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing the frown lines, the crapey skin, the bags under my eyes, I should see, the laugh lines from years of joy and smiles, the face that has changed to become more and more like my mother's (she is a very pretty woman, as she enters her 78^th year), the bags under the eyes, well they are there because of late nights with my girls, snuggling and rocking them to sleep in the wee hours, they are there because of sitting up late and talking with my beloved because we enjoy each others company and comfort, not wanting to say good night. The reflection in the mirror is my story written right there in front of my eyes. I will choose to honor my story............

Now, will I never buy fancy beauty products, or will I never dye my hair again? That remains to be seen. I know now that I am not willing to spend a small fortune to turn back the hands of time, and I'm OK with that. I will buy my usual product, it works well enough, and it will suffice. I do buy a box of hair color every 6 weeks or so. It's a tiny investment in my vanity to be sure.

It's scary to grow old in this world, but, I am brave, and I am so much more than what is on the surface. A little fluffing of the feathers with a healthy dose of common sense and self love isn't a bad thing. So, in keeping with “seasoning to perfection”, we all can add a little flavor of our choosing from time to time. In the end, we will be delicious. Just remember, too much flavor, and the result can be a loss of the true original recipe.....

"One Heart, One Mind, Many Souls........And a Rumble"

Today I had the honor of observing the coming together of souls of different minds and unique outlooks. There were opinions, beliefs, and convictions from many view points. There was talk of God, of those departed, of hope and of healing. There were welcoming wishes and thanks of participation in the event that we were attending.

Now this was not a huge event per say, not in the sense of sheer numbers. But, I am sure to the one organizing it, it was monumental, and he did an amazing job. I heard one person quip at the pre ride event, “a motorcycle rally to raise funds for a Christian memorial? Hummmm, not sure about that one”.

Yes this was a motorcycle rally. We came together to raise money in memory of a chaplain who was killed in active duty. We came together to honor his legacy, to support his wife and children, to supply those in active duty, and to start a scholarship for future students who receive the gift of this calling. And, it was the chancellor of the university who mentioned, with a chuckle, that he was a bit skeptical. And, who wouldn't be, we were quite the lot.

As I mentioned earlier, there were souls of many dimensions here. Take my hubby and my self. We consider ourselves christian people. We don't go to church but we do try to conduct our lives with love and openness, live and let live, give a helping hand to those who need it, don't judge others as we have our quirks too. There were many there who had strong convictions and beliefs in their greater power. And, while there wasn't much talk directly about the subject of Christianity and religion, the feeling of oneness with all of us was so strong it was palpable.

After a short prayer for our safety, we all suited up and got ready to ride. This was the first ride for this annual fundraiser, so of course, a picture was in order. After that, it was a police escort out of the parking lot and away we went. There is no way you cannot be moved by the sound of rolling thunder and the look of bike after shiny bike cruising by you. Many cars that were stopped had their arms out the windows with their hands in the air. For this moment everyone, regardless of why or how or who, was united.

Maybe not for our cause, but that didn't matter, it was the joining of souls for a moment, all enjoying the spectacle, all being able to relate to the same wonder. This is the magic of coming together. In this moment, you could feel the calm and the security of the universe being in balance, at least in our corner of it.........

I have always enjoyed sharing of thoughts and beliefs and I have had the profound honor of talking with many regarding theirs. And, for the most part, these conversations have been easy and laid back. Oh, every so often I meet someone who is hell bent to change my mind. I take a deep breath and bless them in my own way for their convictions. Even these trading of thoughts are an important learning time.

Religions aside, I am struck by the similarities of groups coming together for the greater good, whatever that good may be. There are the international groups such as the Red Cross, or there is the corner lemonade stand that is being run by an entrepreneurial child wanting to raise money for a most worthy cause. And, trust me, when a child is running a lemonade stand, and you are riding a motorcycle, its an unwritten rule that you must stop and support their cause. Plus, hey how cool is it to have a biker stop for a sip of lemonade at your stand!!! Wow!!! It doesn't matter what the cause or how many are involved in the process, all that matters is that we humans are concentrating our efforts toward making our corner of the world a better place. As we rode the route put forth by our ride organizer, from my vantage point atop the back seat of our Harley, I couldn't help but be awestruck by the incredible beauty around me. Yes we had ridden many of these roads before, but what was different is we were traveling it with our brothers and sisters all toward a common goal. One heart, one mind, many souls.........and a rumble!!

I sometimes worry about the world. It's ugly out there!! So much tragedy, and natural disaster, and humans who have lost touch with any form of genteel reality. One can't help thinking that any day now, we are going to implode, and for the most part, we as a human race, have asked for it. But then today, as I rode through the countryside, I realize that there is hope for us. Our small

little band of brothers and sisters, riding in concert for our cause, are on any given day, joined by many other spirits, all giving for their greater good. The ugly shouts at us, from our televisions, from the newspapers, from our radios, but if we sit still on a quiet evening, we can sense the hum of our unified souls, all working as one to pull this tired, old world back together again.

This too is palpable. Now what we need to do is to tap into that hum and make it grow to a glorifying anthem of unity and hope.

It doesn't matter what cause you support, and it doesn't matter who your higher power is, but what does matter is that you go out and share your passion and your cause and bring other souls together for the greater good. The more positive emotion we have in this world, the better off we will be in the future. The time to turn our world around is now, and it will take all of us to do it. Ride, march, swim, run, sing, jump, dance, pray, sit together in the park and meditate. Be a group of one heart, one mind, many souls. Feel the power of the whole as you come together for a common cause. Whatever you choose, add your cords to the anthem of our world......make your own happy noise, you don't have to ride a motorcycle to make a rumble..................

"Perspective"

Perspective.......it's an interesting word. Come to think of it, it is a very enigmatic word, hard to define. Reason being, the word itself has many different meanings, um well, depending on your “perspective”:

per·spec·tive

noun /pərˈspektiv/ perspectives, plural The art of drawing solid objects on a two-dimensional surface so as to give the right impression of their height, width, depth, and position in relation to each other when viewed from a particular point A picture drawn in such a way, esp. one appearing to enlarge or extend the actual space, or to give the effect of distance A view or prospect The relation of two figures in the same plane, such that pairs of corresponding points lie on concurrent lines, and corresponding lines meet in collinear points A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view True understanding of the relative importance of things; a sense of proportion An apparent spatial distribution in perceived sound

Now that you've read all of the definitions of perspective, my bent in this thread is more to the definitions of attitude and view point. It came to me the other day, as I was having a wonderful lunch with an old and dear friend, that we are in the perfect place in our lives, as we season to perfection, to have the best vantage point for perspective.

To have the best view of everything tangible around us, we would need to be on the crest of a hill. From that crest, we can see all around us. We can see the valleys and vistas we have traveled through. When we hike through the wilderness, we remember as we stand on that hill, the moments we were taken in awe of our surroundings. We recall the beauty of the tall trees, the sun streaming through the leaves and branches, making us feel small and protected. We think about the rocky ledge that we had to navigate to get to the wonderful views on the other side. We were scared, but resolute in our journey. We made it through and were rewarded for the perseverance by the beauty of it all. Then as we rest a bit, we look forward to the path we are about to take. We can see much in the distance, but it is somewhat obscure. The solid details are not clear, it is somewhat of a mystery. Oh we know the general direction we will travel, and we can see it a bit down the path, but around that first bend, we do not know from there. So, as you scan the horizon, you choose a path to follow, and you start down that hill, toward...........who really knows. That's the fun of it........

The perspective of which I speak, is being in the middle of our lives, the top of the hill as it were, and looking to where we have come and where we are about to go. From atop the crest, we can reflect on past and contemplate future.

Perspective is an enigmatic word, hard to define. Perspective changes as we change, as our knowledge base grows, as we weather the storm, or celebrate the victories of our lives, our perspective adjusts accordingly. Think about what you perceived as important when you were 20, 30, now, 50ish. Your conception of what meant the most to you has evolved, hasn't it? Once it was fashion, then it became commitment to build a life with someone, then it was protection for your children, home, and husband, then..........well, you can fill in the blanks from here. Our views on the world changed, our relationships changed, our opinions of our selves changed, sometimes to the good, sometimes not. This is almost a cocoon like transformation from then to now. We start as these crawling creatures barely able to see beyond our nose on the ground, to these wonderful winged beings who can soar above the earth to see and appreciate all the majesty around us.

So here we are, on the “top of the hill” of our lives. What an amazing place to be, and what a view!!! With all of the knowledge and knowing that we have accumulated in the journey this far, we can look back, as we stand on this hill, and be honored by our selves. Our resilience, our dedication, our perseverance to our commitments and goals. We have accomplished so much in our lives thus far. Really, take this moment to think about it, and when you have, you will feel a pride so profound in the knowing of the path you have traveled. So, with this pride, stand on the hill, in the bright sun, tilt your face to the sky and let the warmth sink into your soul. Open your arms and welcome all that the earth and your heart have to give, rejoice in all that is truly “You”. Give a little “Woo Hoo” if your being is free to do so. You have made it this far!!! Oh yes, to be sure, the road was winding at times. There were storms and much rain, sorrow, yes for sure. But, you are here, now, with all that you are, right here.

Now, look down that hill................Yes you can see the first bit of the path, but around that first bend, we do not know from there. But, what we do know, is in our perspective!This is the gift of time and knowing, of weathering the storm, and celebration. We have lived though so much and so many, that our perspective couldn't be any more fine tuned than it is right now. We have amassed a magnificent library of facts and experiences that will help us to choose the path and put clarity in our world that we just didn't have before. When you visit the stops along the path of your choosing now, you will see them and experience their gifts with a new found understanding. Traveling the path from this moment on, will be so much more fulfilling and rich, because we have perspective. We know what to fret about and what to let slide, we have been there and done that.......perspective. We know now which rocky ledges to wander on to, and which will just give us grief and sorrow if we should continue there.......perspective. We know now that just because the journey isn't mapped out specifically for us to see, we end up exactly where we are supposed to be...............perspective.

Gaining perspective is like moving through our lives, gathering pieces of the puzzle along the way. As we acquire more pieces, we hone the skills of looking at a situation with a multidimensional viewpoint. As more of the pieces fit, life begins to make sense. Not in the way that every good and bad thing that ever happens makes sense. But in the way that we can take a moment to ponder the situation in front of us, and be able to apply our knowledge, our puzzle pieces, and arrange them in a way that we now know is right to us. Our path may not be right for someone else, it is only right for us, and that is OK. Perspective is personal.

So, as I stand with you, on the crest of the hill, I look with you, back on the journey we all have taken to this place in our lives. We all stand here, with our puzzles pieces tucked securely in our hearts, and we look forward, down the path. We have the gift of the past, present, and future, and we have the perspective to make the most from it all. Oh what wonderful experiences lay before us, just around that first bend...................................

"The Brood Comes Home - Part Two"

It makes sense when the bird from the south flies home, the chickadee from just a couple miles north east of us comes home to the nest too. It's great to have both my girls together. This was a quick trip home by all, but it was enjoyable all the same.

We went out for dinner last night. We always have so much fun going out to dinner. We all sit around and gab about this and that, then pretty soon, the silliness starts and away we go, giggling and laughing, trying to keep it down so we don't disrupt all the proper folk taking their nourishment around us. We remember the dinners at The Cracker Barrel, Ponderosa, and oh my heaven's all those meals at Culvers. I swear we covered the whole spectrum of topics in that restaurant. Great memories.

So last night, things were decidedly different. Oh we still had a great time, still had loads of laughs, but something about the dynamic of all of this was very changed. I will try to explain.......I sense another long and winding road here I'm afraid..............

Now, you remember in my last story, I spoke of the magnet on my refrigerator, the one that says “Put away your dreams for your children, and help them with their own”? Well my youngest daughter (the chickadee from just north east of here) followed her dreams all the way to a Masters in Social Work (since I finished high school that that was that, I am in awe of my children's upper educations). During her achievement of this daunting task, she opened group homes, managed all manner of staff and residents, and graduated with a stellar grade point average. Her final presentation was a theory paper on treating trauma, focusing on people with developmental disabilities, using a variety of methods as it pertains to ones developmental level. Her theories and practices are in use state wide, and may go national. Talk about the realization of a dream. During her formative years, she had her struggles and was told often not to reach too high, least she be disappointed. I reminded her that knowledge is more than what happens in four walls, and that she can reach as far as her imagination will take her. She is amazing.........this world is so much better thanks to her and her passions. I went to an open house at one of her newly opened group homes. I looked around for a bit, and chatted with folks there. Being her mom that day was an honor. I was humbled to hear strangers tell me of the importance my daughter has in their lives. It was a profoundly proud moment for me, because of her.

To say both my daughters “know their stuff” is a gigantic understatement.

So, back to the dinner table. We sit down and get our drinks. I instantly feel as old as I ever have because, are you ready for it, NEITHER of my girls get carded!! I am the mother of two women who appear of drinking age and better. I have always felt a smug sense of youth every time we go out, someone always cards my girls. It makes ME feel young. I've been cheated!! The nerve of that waitress. She should know that my fragile ego required her to ask!! Her tip will be seriously affected by this I tell you!!

Anyway, I get over it (sort of.......geez!!) and we start to chat, lots of fun topics are tossed about. Then my two girls find some common ground. They discuss professional philosophy and ethics. They chat about the difference facets of their respective career choices. All I can do is sit dumb founded at the intelligence of the conversation that is revolving around me.

Who are these two and where did they get this stuff? When did they grow up to become these extremely competent human beings? I can't even join in the conversation as I have nothing to add. Their topics are so above me. I do enjoy learning from them though. Funny how the tables have turned, we used to sit around the table and they would ask me questions about the meaning of life and love and I would expound my theories to them. After all, I am the mom, the all knowing........Look at me now, I can't even formulate an intelligent enough question to join in the chat my daughters are having. This isn't a bad thing. This blows my mind...............

As I sit in between the two of them, my eyes swinging back and forth between them, a saying I once heard came to mind. Loosely quoted, “Your children are not yours, they are given to you by God to borrow only for a little while”. As much as we like to take credit for the paths our children walk, that path was set forth long before we meet them on that special day and hold them in our arms. The Good Lord above needs us to take care of them and raise them to the best of our ability until they are ready to put their feet on the path that was pre-ordained especially for them. That is the only theory to this mom that makes sense. I raised them to the best of my ability, which at times was lack luster at best. If their present state was in direct correlation to my clumsy mothering, they definitely wouldn't be in this life as they are now. There must be a higher power who knows so much more and plants that magic seed of the dream. We water and cultivate this seed with support, understanding, compassion and praise. Our harvest is the profound pride we feel when we watch our children walk the path that is truly theirs.

Now it is pretty clear that these children, my children, are on their paths, they are still “mine” in one sense, but they are their own now, by their right and earning. I will always be there for them, cheering them on and supporting whatever dreams they choose. They will always be there for me, supporting me in my dreams. Even though, they have to admit most times, my dreams are just plain weird to them. But, they remember that I have been their dream champion, so they smile, and shake their heads I'm sure, but they cheer me on too.

Now they are starting to giggle about some crazy comment or other, and I am brought out of the cloud of my musings and transported back in time to Culvers for a moment, me and my girls, shushing each other, trying our best at decorum and failing miserably. I smile, these dinner talks are becoming fewer and further between, but are so very special when we are all together; chatting, learning, puzzling, and just plain being goofy.

When the brood comes home, it's a mixture of happy and sad, busy ness and exhaustion, sharing and caring. But, it's a time that I look forward to more than I could ever put into words, and when it's over, it's a feeling so painful that I can barely stand to feel it. Then the news comes one day, “We're coming home!!”. And the excitement is there again, having forgot, temporarily anyway, the pain. Is this the same emotional phenomenon that allows us to propagate our human race? We visit the doctor one day and hear those wonderful words, “You will be bringing a little one home”. When the day comes, the pain can't quite be put into words and we swear as we are in the throws of it, that we will NEVER do this again. Then some time down the road, we are bringing another little one home. The excitement is there again, the pain is forgotten, again.  It makes sense to me.

The beginning...........is just............the beginning.

"The Brood Comes Home"

It's that special time of the year, one I always anticipate with much happiness and excitement. My oldest daughter and her hubby are coming home for a visit.

You see, long ago and far away, in a land very different than this is right now, my oldest daughter watched a movie. It was a normal day in a normal life, and we just decided to watch a movie. What bad could come of this you would ask? Oh gentle reader, do not be lulled into a sense of peace and calm, with visions of popcorn and snuggle blankets dancing in your head. This innocent act, of "just watching a movie", changed my life and my daughter's forever!!

What movie could possibily have that kind of affect on one's life. It was Apollo 13. A well written docu-movie about the ill fated Apollo 13 mission, the successful failure, I believe it was called. They headed for the moon, something went boom, then they had to take a right turn and head for home. After many meetings of the minds in launch control, they splashed down, safe and somewhat sound. A good movie......to my daughter, a great movie, one that sparked an interest in the space program and all things star like that she continues to thrive in even today, and I believe, for many years to come.

I have a magnet on my refrigerator that I have had for a looonnnnggg time. It says "Put away your dreams for your children, and help them with their own". Profound, yes, easy to do, well that is another package of dehydrated space food (don't like cans of worms, blech!!). My daughter, she became this walking, breathing stack of books. Ask her anything about the Apollo 13 space mission, she'll tell you!! And she did..........a lot..........did I say a lot............I meant......A LOT!! OK, she was really interested in this stuff. So, the logical thing to do is to send her to space camp. Mistake #2. (what, oh first mistake was letting her watch the damn movie...). To sum up this preamble; many trips to space camp later, fast forward a few years, and my daughter and her husband are 2 very intrical associates of US Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville Alabama. There you have it, help them with their own dreams and you can say bye bye to them as they move 800 miles away from you...........Geez, ain't that a kick in the flight suit.

Seriously though, I am very proud of my daughter and what she has accomplished in her lifetime. It is a proud moment to watch your child achieve that which they set their minds (and dreams) too. So that brings us back to where I started (wow that was a long and winding road). It's that special time of the year, one I always anticipate with much happiness and excitement. My oldest daughter and her hubby are coming home for a visit.

As I prepare my menus, house work schedule, trips and treats, it hits me that this is my daughter and her hubby coming, not the Queen of England (although I am sure at some point in her life she thought she was...tee hee), so why am I pulling out all the stops and setting forth this great production because she is coming for a visit. I want the house clean, the dogs well trained, the food delicous and reminiscent of what she used to eat when she was here under my wing. I want her to be able to go all the places she did when she lived here and I want to hang with her as she travels down her memory lane. Geez this is a big deal.

I seem to recall that my mom does the same thing. She too has helped me with my own dreams, which landed me 800 miles away from her. Hummm, seems to run in the family, this trapsing far away from home. Mom is always asking what I would like to eat, where I would like to visit, if there is anyone with whom I would like to spend time with. And, be sure, the dust bunnies quake in fear before we stop in. It is a big deal when the brood comes home.

I think this is a capture of the nesting instinct we had when we were awaiting the arrival of our said bundles of joy. As we padded our nest for the coming of our child, we now fluff the feathers of the nest, making home a welcoming place for our brood to return. In a way, the excitement is just about as palpable. The welcome difference is that we don't need to head to the hospital and face many and suntry indignities and an assortment of drugs to kill the pain to have this welcome reunion. Although, I have to admit, as I scrub my tub and vacuum the stairs, that the physical energy taken to complete these tasks for arrival, can be just as exhausting.............but also just as welcome...................

It is such a wonderful feeling as they walk in the door, almost like they have done so yesterday. But, it feels like a long time since then too. You give big hugs and kisses and exchanges of greetings. You feel the momentary weight of time as it has passed, and there is a bittersweetness that you sink into for just a moment. The coming home of the brood is the realization of how quickly this time to last time has gone, but also the realization of how quickly this time to leaving will go. You can't stop it, you can't slow it down. But, to be in the moment and enjoy it is the only way you can be. So, you snap out of it, and smile and hug her one more time. You will make the most of this space, this place in your life. You can pretend for just a little while, that she is home and will never leave. As she comes and goes, and you do whatever you do together, it will feel like it did in the days gone by. What sweetness!!

The time will come all too soon, when she will leave again. You'll see that look in her eye, the one that tells you, yes she will miss you, but her life is waiting, at her home, for her. She needs to go there and live it. Again, you put away your dreams and help her with her own. You smile and say how wonderful it was to see her, and you make plans for doing this again soon..............time will pass quickly, and you'll all be together again.

For the moment though, you will live in that icky grey between place. After they drive away, you walk back into the house, it's deathly quiet and the place echoes. You can see the empty dishes and wet towels that were just in use. Just moments ago. Time needs to pass, the universe will make sense again in a little while, but right now, it feels like said universe has just given you a wedgie. And, you're in a crowded room, no way to fix it. Just gotta deal with it......

***I gratefully acknowlege my wonderful son in law, Ed, who helped me get the words and directions correct in relation to areospace references***

"Memories"

Do you ever get those days when it feels like you are walking through a long forgotten time? You will hear a song on the radio or you will see an article of clothing while you are shopping, now coming back into style, and suddenly you pass back in time.

Personally I think it's a groovy feeling. Sort of tingly and floaty. It makes me feel warm, and calm, like I'm about to watch one of my favorite movies. You know, the ones that you save for days that you need a little self love and care, you pop it in your player and sit back, with a beverage in hand, snuggled in your favorite blanket (mine is a Winnie the Pooh fleece tie blanket my girls gave me long ago). You let the movie transport you somewhere else and forget about whatever the world has you in the middle of for the moment.

I find I get this feeling a lot when I'm sitting by the fire with my husband and we are sipping wine and listening to the 70's music channel. Although hubby is a bit older than I am, we realized that our past cosmic journeys had come together in the early 70's. We sing to the music, we reminisce about the times and places we were. And the crazy things we did, as we take our mutual trips down memory lane. It is a learning time for us. Since we came to be one late in our lives, we have much of our past that we don't know about. Funny, as we share, how the big picture comes together. My soul mate was quite the free spirit in his day. All in all though, he always had a respect for, and love of, family, honor, and integrity. The past supports the present and teaches us what is to become the future.

I guess I am now old enough to have a past to look back on. Sure we retain our memories from however far our minds can remember. There is always good and bad times that we reflect on. These times shape us and bring us to who we are today. But, I think there needs to be a certain time passage that happens before we really can appreciate how profound those memories can be. Memories can be pretty poignant and somewhat unsettling without the perspective of time passed to give it relevance. Sure, we have all done some dumb things in our youth and young adulthood, present company included. But, once we get a bit more seasoned in our journey, we can look back on these phases of moulting and know that they were just that. It is the sloughing off of one life as we transition on to another.

This is a good thing, let me explain...... I can't count the number of times and places this has occurred to me lately. I am at middle point in my journey to being fully seasoned. So much of life that was out of focus before, is in perfect clarity now. Sometimes I wondered about why that was. I used to look back on my life and at times, just cringe at the crazy, stupid, insensitive, downright rude things I did. I also think about the mall bangs, the tight clothes, the outlandish colors and styles that I once cherished......E gads!! Yes I really had my moments. But, what I have now found, is instead of cringing when I remember, I reflect. Why, because all of that silliness has brought me to the magnificence that I am now. Every garish color, every dumb dumb moment, and every forbidden embrace, contributed to who I am today.

Now, some of what I have done truly was a mistake. It hurt people I loved, and it stained me too. These are the memories that I would rather forget, they make my stomach turn just a bit. But, they are part of my whole. For the yin and the yang of it, they also have shaped me and brought me here. I now look upon them as unpleasant static noise in the harmonic music of my life. The static plays an important roll. It serves to remind me somatically what ingredients in my seasoning to leave out for the betterment of my life and my journey. So, they too have their place. I pass over those times and go on to the warm remembrances of past loves, past lives, and future dreams. These times in my past serve to remind me how wonderful and magical it is to be where I am today. I have learned oh so much........My soul mate and I have a bond so deep, something I never could imagine feeling. I believe that I wouldn't know how special this man is, had I not experienced some of the static that I had. He too has had his share; the healing and learning from that has born to us this life. I treasure my children and my life because I know there were times when I came close to loosing both. I treasure my friends and my acquaintances as now I know what true connections are. A knowledge realized by being in the company of those not well suited for who I was, only I didn't know “who I am” at that time.

Just this morning, I was listening to the 70's music channel, and my favorite song began to play, the song that helped me realize my husband was to be my soul mate, Wild Flower, by Skylark. It is one of those songs, you know the kind, that was written just for you. The kind that reaches deep down into your core and is written using your soul's words. I promised myself, after a very dark time in my life, that I would only love again if I could find a man who understood, organically, what that song meant to me. I did find him, or rather, he found me. He picked me up and turned me from what could have been a very destructive time in my life. I owe him more than words can ever say.

So, once again, as I pen this thread, I find myself stopping to remember. I feel that warmth sink into me as I smile and reminisce. I take joy in my past, I also have learned to put what was not so pleasant in it's rightful place, and to forgive my thoughtless mistaken ways. This is my journey to whole ness, to acceptance, and to the ultimate in self love. Memories are wonderful places we go to visit, to remind ourselves of who we were, and how far we have come, and what lays ahead. Embrace these journeys dear heart, don't run from them. Our past is ourselves, a process to becoming what we are and will be. We are seasoning to perfection, and these are the ingredients of making it happen. Settle into the comfort of these thoughts, rest into the journey of it all. Close your eyes and let your mind's eye replay your life reel. Take in a deep breath of contentment. Because, when you open your eyes again, you will be here, in the present. You will know how full your basket is and how far you have come..................and you will smile..........................the smile of knowing

"The Evolution of Mothering"

We have all said it sooner or later, "My Gosh, I'm turning into my mother!" This statement could have been prompted by a look in the mirror, a spoken word, something that we thought of, or didn't. Whatever the catalyst, this exclamation is often looked upon as a bad thing.

Most of us will look back on our mothers mothering with mixed emotion. There will be the comforting times we remember when we scraped our knee and she knew exactly how to make the boo boo better. We remember staying home sick from school and having that special honor of the bed lovingly made on the couch, complete with chicken soup and kisses on the forehead. Little did we know, those kisses were of dual purpose, one part love and one part high tech diagnostics. (Clever moms we have). Remember when we didn't win the spelling bee, or we didn't place on the volleyball team, or when our hearts were broken for the first time? Who was always there, with just the right words, the perfect comfort food, and the most understanding ear....Yep that would be our mom. She always made everything OK again, in her special mothering way.

Well, then there are those times, usually when we were just a bit older, where the mixed emotion comes in. We wanted to wear the micro mini skirt with the mid drift top but our Mom (say Mom sarcastically in a long drawn out, whiny kind of nasal voice…… you get the picture) said, "No this is not appropriate, you’re not old enough." And, we proved it, by throwing the expected temper tantrum and stomping around demanding that we, yes we who are acting like a two year old, are more than old enough to wear this kind of clothing. EVERYBODY else does!! Sound familiar. From this moment forward, for the next several years anyway, our mothers and our selves engage in the battle of will and decorum. This starts the love/eye roll portion of our relationship.

Time goes on, battles are won and lost, we grow up, we leave the nest; we create our own lives. Nurtured and loved, supported and bolstered; in spite of the fact that we never would admit mom was always there and we really needed her. We step out into this world, secure in our ability to survive it, thanks to...........Yep mom again.

As a mother myself, at that time of independence it always amazes me to find there is so much pain and empty ness. You would think after all that dedication, emotion, and love, one would welcome the rest. But instead we watch our babes walk away from us, and silently berate ourselves. We did such a wonderful job supporting them (and fighting them) while they became free thinking, strong human beings, yet they couldn't wait to leave us. Huh…..where's the gratitude there, right?

We get married (or not) and we have children (or not) but whatever road we travel, we think we know it all. We are educated, mature (we think), and have all the answers. We find jobs and partners; we find our likes, dislikes, passions, and convictions. During this part of our journey, we share all we know with our mothers, hoping to enlighten them so that they aren’t living in the dark ages any more. Sure they did what they could with what they know when they raised us. But, we know so much more, and we can’t wait to share. Moms are great listeners. They listen to our views on life, love, children and politics. They are patient and supportive. We, in turn, listen to them chat about the bowling team, planting flowers, the red hat club, and what they had for lunch at the deli on the corner after a round of golf. We think, how nice and how boring…… We still feel like we are just so much more than our mothers. After all we are the new and improved model, are we not?

What we are too enlightened to figure out is exactly that. We are the new and improved model. But, it is our mothers love, guidance, and teaching that we are improving upon. If not for our humble beginnings at the knee of our mothers, our selves would not be where we are today.

Now it has taken this author a while to figure this out. I spent many a conversation with my mother at opposite sides of the proverbial arena. Me talking, trying to persuade her to my line of thinking, her on her side, just trying to figure out where the hell I got that idea from in the first place. But, trying her best not to squelch whatever motivation I felt for the topic at hand. It seemed for a long time that we were at opposite sides of said arena. I call it the arena to conjure up the image of battle and competition, because it does seem like that for a while. We were two strong gladiators, swinging swords in defense of our convictions.

Well, thank the good Lord above, for clarity and common sense. Albeit usually coming later than sooner. One day it hit me, my mother and I, we are of the same thoughts, same goals, same journey; we just travel in different lanes of the same highway. First mom traveled in front, leading by the examples of her mother, she went through all the same trial and angst with her mom as I did with her, be certain of that. She became the new and improved model. In showing us love and compassion, we became strong and pulled out in front. For a while, we led, using the fuel from our upbringing, and adding to it the knowledge of our own unique experiences, we became the new model. In time, we came to travel side by side. Our journey is slower and more relaxed, she the vintage model, me, next year’s best buy. Both sharing the road, each making our own interpretation of the map; wisdom of the old and of the new. It becomes a journey of enjoyment and empathy, and understanding, and realizing.

Yes, there comes a day when you will realize that your mother is wise indeed. She has more knowledge than you ever gave her credit for, until now. Now, listening to the stories of her relatives, her mom, sisters, old flames, becomes a time of respect and admiration. You are now old enough, mature enough, to be able to say, "I don’t know it all". I need to learn and grow, and listen to my mother. We are the new and improved model, so is she, and her mother before her.

Mothering is evolution at its best. Mothers for centuries have loved and nurtured their daughters, only to have them leave for their lives and become these "tweens" caught ‘twixed childhood and "wow, mom really does know what she’s talking about". Take heart, the day will come when this necessary phase is complete, and you too, will sit at your mothers knee again and enjoy that same comfort and love that you did when you were young. Only now, you will finally understand. Once again, you will say, "My Gosh, I’m turning into my mother!" And you will feel a swell of pride that only evolution brings.