"The Evolution of Mothering"

We have all said it sooner or later, "My Gosh, I'm turning into my mother!" This statement could have been prompted by a look in the mirror, a spoken word, something that we thought of, or didn't. Whatever the catalyst, this exclamation is often looked upon as a bad thing.

Most of us will look back on our mothers mothering with mixed emotion. There will be the comforting times we remember when we scraped our knee and she knew exactly how to make the boo boo better. We remember staying home sick from school and having that special honor of the bed lovingly made on the couch, complete with chicken soup and kisses on the forehead. Little did we know, those kisses were of dual purpose, one part love and one part high tech diagnostics. (Clever moms we have). Remember when we didn't win the spelling bee, or we didn't place on the volleyball team, or when our hearts were broken for the first time? Who was always there, with just the right words, the perfect comfort food, and the most understanding ear....Yep that would be our mom. She always made everything OK again, in her special mothering way.

Well, then there are those times, usually when we were just a bit older, where the mixed emotion comes in. We wanted to wear the micro mini skirt with the mid drift top but our Mom (say Mom sarcastically in a long drawn out, whiny kind of nasal voice…… you get the picture) said, "No this is not appropriate, you’re not old enough." And, we proved it, by throwing the expected temper tantrum and stomping around demanding that we, yes we who are acting like a two year old, are more than old enough to wear this kind of clothing. EVERYBODY else does!! Sound familiar. From this moment forward, for the next several years anyway, our mothers and our selves engage in the battle of will and decorum. This starts the love/eye roll portion of our relationship.

Time goes on, battles are won and lost, we grow up, we leave the nest; we create our own lives. Nurtured and loved, supported and bolstered; in spite of the fact that we never would admit mom was always there and we really needed her. We step out into this world, secure in our ability to survive it, thanks to...........Yep mom again.

As a mother myself, at that time of independence it always amazes me to find there is so much pain and empty ness. You would think after all that dedication, emotion, and love, one would welcome the rest. But instead we watch our babes walk away from us, and silently berate ourselves. We did such a wonderful job supporting them (and fighting them) while they became free thinking, strong human beings, yet they couldn't wait to leave us. Huh…..where's the gratitude there, right?

We get married (or not) and we have children (or not) but whatever road we travel, we think we know it all. We are educated, mature (we think), and have all the answers. We find jobs and partners; we find our likes, dislikes, passions, and convictions. During this part of our journey, we share all we know with our mothers, hoping to enlighten them so that they aren’t living in the dark ages any more. Sure they did what they could with what they know when they raised us. But, we know so much more, and we can’t wait to share. Moms are great listeners. They listen to our views on life, love, children and politics. They are patient and supportive. We, in turn, listen to them chat about the bowling team, planting flowers, the red hat club, and what they had for lunch at the deli on the corner after a round of golf. We think, how nice and how boring…… We still feel like we are just so much more than our mothers. After all we are the new and improved model, are we not?

What we are too enlightened to figure out is exactly that. We are the new and improved model. But, it is our mothers love, guidance, and teaching that we are improving upon. If not for our humble beginnings at the knee of our mothers, our selves would not be where we are today.

Now it has taken this author a while to figure this out. I spent many a conversation with my mother at opposite sides of the proverbial arena. Me talking, trying to persuade her to my line of thinking, her on her side, just trying to figure out where the hell I got that idea from in the first place. But, trying her best not to squelch whatever motivation I felt for the topic at hand. It seemed for a long time that we were at opposite sides of said arena. I call it the arena to conjure up the image of battle and competition, because it does seem like that for a while. We were two strong gladiators, swinging swords in defense of our convictions.

Well, thank the good Lord above, for clarity and common sense. Albeit usually coming later than sooner. One day it hit me, my mother and I, we are of the same thoughts, same goals, same journey; we just travel in different lanes of the same highway. First mom traveled in front, leading by the examples of her mother, she went through all the same trial and angst with her mom as I did with her, be certain of that. She became the new and improved model. In showing us love and compassion, we became strong and pulled out in front. For a while, we led, using the fuel from our upbringing, and adding to it the knowledge of our own unique experiences, we became the new model. In time, we came to travel side by side. Our journey is slower and more relaxed, she the vintage model, me, next year’s best buy. Both sharing the road, each making our own interpretation of the map; wisdom of the old and of the new. It becomes a journey of enjoyment and empathy, and understanding, and realizing.

Yes, there comes a day when you will realize that your mother is wise indeed. She has more knowledge than you ever gave her credit for, until now. Now, listening to the stories of her relatives, her mom, sisters, old flames, becomes a time of respect and admiration. You are now old enough, mature enough, to be able to say, "I don’t know it all". I need to learn and grow, and listen to my mother. We are the new and improved model, so is she, and her mother before her.

Mothering is evolution at its best. Mothers for centuries have loved and nurtured their daughters, only to have them leave for their lives and become these "tweens" caught ‘twixed childhood and "wow, mom really does know what she’s talking about". Take heart, the day will come when this necessary phase is complete, and you too, will sit at your mothers knee again and enjoy that same comfort and love that you did when you were young. Only now, you will finally understand. Once again, you will say, "My Gosh, I’m turning into my mother!" And you will feel a swell of pride that only evolution brings.