"Rage Against the Menopausal Machine"

OK, I can breathe again............Just got done with my yearly mammogram. Oh yes, you ladies know what I am talking about. The dreaded event that comes around every year about this time, usually accompanied by the indignant obligatory poke and prod. We all know these activities are important to our womanly health, and we go, and present body parts to be scrutinized. All part of being a woman they say.......(if I ever find out who "they" is I'm gonna kick their butt...........)

Today, as I sat in the mammogram room, awaiting my results, I made the decision to write about this exact moment in time. There I was, dressed in my thin green gown, pacing the floor, waiting for my "good luck charm" Betsy to come back to the room and say, "Ok, you're all done for another year" (I always call Betsy my good luck charm, she seems to do my test every year. Silly, I know). As I stopped my incessant pacing for a moment, I looked in the mirror. Now, my complexion has always been somewhat, OK. I have the wonderful (NOT) brown spots from sun and time, a few wrinkles, a little saggy here and there, but hey, all in all, not bad for someone of my "time". As I was saying, looking in the mirror, I see pimples ALL OVER!! And, not the cute little ones the young girls get, these are the kind that just spring to life overnight, and don't go away!! I look at a couple on my chin, and upon closer inspection, what do my wandering eyes should I see............but a few black whiskers perched defiantly next to said pimples.............What, am I in menopause, or puberty!!! SERIOUSLY!!

Betsy, my good luck charm, has just come back in the room and rescues me from my thoughts on this conundrum; "OK, you're all done for another year!" atta girl Betsy!! This brings me to where I began this thread, OK, now I can breathe again......

I was really never expecting any bad news, I come from good solid healthy genes (thanks Mom!!) and really can't say that I've ever had any problems per ce. But, one just never knows, when one is in menopause, your whole body feels like it's out to undermine everything that was ever good and positive about you and your body. It feels like some one or some thing has a voo doo doll in their back pocket and they are spending entirely too much time finding twisted ways to turn your life into some kind of freak show.

Really, think about it. I was once confident in my body. I exercised it, fed it well, dressed it nicely and it responded as it should, as I would expect. It would tighten up, tone up, and look not too shabby, thank you very much! Now, I could eat nothing but lettuce for a month and not lose an ounce. I could participate in boot camp classes until I can’t move, and still, the skin on my arms and legs flap like those goofy wing suits some of my hubby’s jump buddies would wear during his sky diving days. I buy fashion and fancy to adorn my miserable excuse of what was a great form, and it looks like something hanging on a clothes line, strung a bit loose I might add. My predictable body has become a frustrating puzzle. Uggghhhh.

I also had a pretty steady constitution. Nothing frazzled me. I worked in some pretty frantic jobs, and I’m a mother to boot. That in itself is not for the faint of heart. Now, I can’t find my hinny with both hands. Always forgetting even the smallest details, loosing my train of thought during conversations. One minute I am laughing hysterically, then I find myself ready to cry at the drop of a hat. My poor husband doesn’t know what direction to turn. Bless his heart as he tries to weigh his words as he forms a sentence to make sure it doesn’t evoke a stream of tears or tirade of venomous fuming. What he doesn’t know is that no matter what, he can never get it right, but I appreciate his efforts.

So my options………I talk with my trusted Gynecologist about all the different ways one can rage against the menopause machine. Many of them, depending on personal opinion, can have some not so wonderful side effects. You can expect everything from swollen "girls", to pimples, to water weight gain, to loss of hair, sleepiness, insomnia, lack of energy, too much energy, mood swings, irrational thoughts, and the list goes on. WOW, that makes me want to take this stuff. I could go "natural". Then I have to wait for months before the nuts and berries, and assorted forest offerings kicks in. Any woman who has been awaken several times a night swimming in a pool of sweat will tell you that is entirely too long!! Then we have the "do nothing and wait it out" option. Gee, that sounds like a good idea………it sends my hubby screaming into the night……can’t blame him. So, wear cotton pj’s, have a fan by the bed, ice water, no coffee, no alcohol (and who wants to make love feeling like a sweaty, weepy, blob of self pity……really?). When I wake up each morning, I feel like I should just make a blanket apology to the world for all of the bad karma I am going to spread as I crank my way through the day. Boy this is sounding better all the time. Being a woman in menopause is NOT for wimps. I know you feel me...................

Take heart my dear sisters, this too will pass and we will emerge victorious. I have heard this from several strong and wonderful women. One day we will wake up with the clarity and confidence of having won the battle. I know many women who I truly honor, they have grace and beauty and an inner glow that only comes from emergence from their menopausal cocoon. As I journey toward my own inner glow, one thing I know with solid conviction. A sense of humor is still the best medicine. Pair that with support from loving friends and family, and this whole process ain’t so bad after all. Give your self a break, we are woman…… and we are human….. we can laugh hysterically, cry a river, stomp and storm, or curl up and cuddle. Rage against the menopause machine with humor and personal compassion, and I’ll see you on the other side………we will be better for it!!



***Acknowledgement*** I want to thank my wonderful husband for being a living breathing thesaurus for me during the writing of this story. My menopause mush brain was kicking in, and for the life of me, I couldn't find the right words with a compass. He is my muse, and he has more wisdom than he will ever give himself credit for.......I love you...........