Here I am, another morning, another familiar ritual, brush the teeth, wash the face, put on the makeup...............Looking into the mirror.................my self is staring back at me..............................Who is that? A once strong taut young woman, full of ideals and dreams, now a bit softer and rounder, searching for gray hair and, still, the meaning of life; wondering how I got from there to here.
It's funny how it hits you one day. Life has changed. BIG time. How did that happen without me noticing it? Did it creep in on such small baby feet that it silently passed me by? Or, did it take such giant leaps that it rushed by me and I didn't even recognize it? Maybe it was the babies, and the jobs, and the puppies, and the appointments. And maybe it was trying to juggle life as a single mom after my divorce, or trying to make sense of dating again, or finding the love of my life for the first time.............however it happened............it has..............I'm older.
Now, this may seem like a bad thing. We were all once young, filled with wonder and vitality. Time passes in whatever way it chooses, and we all come to this place called "older". I have had the awesome pleasure to meet so many neighbors and friends who live here too. It does sadden me when I talk with them and find that they feel sad, lost, and empty. I also have felt this, but I have felt something else too..............
The older I am getting, the more I am aware of a "light" that is flickering inside me. I have tried to put a name to this feeling so many times. It comes to me at the strangest moments. Sometimes the feeling is there in the morning when I hear the birds sing, or when I am in the yard with my flowers and my dogs, or while I listen to beautiful music. I ignore it sometimes, actually I ignored it most times, because I was too busy feeling the weight of "older" and wallowing in the fact that my youth was leaving town. Slowly though, I started to notice and pay attention to that warm flickering feeling of my light. It is buried deep so it's warmth is barely felt above the din of life as I know it.
To me, a light is the best way to describe this sensation. I don't know exactly how or when I first felt this prescience. Maybe it was during reflection on my journey to here. Or, during moments of heightened intuition, awakened from my experiences, good and not so. These are reminiscences of times that cause a secret smile to cross my face, or knit my brow................... Memories all my own; quiet times spent just listening to the subtle voices in my soul. Voices that speak softly but oh so sweetly, telling me to celebrate my past and to embody it, grow and learn from it. These moments and thoughts, each one an amp and an ohm to my light, feeding it, nurturing it, to glow brighter and brighter. I needed to stop my frantic life and be aware of the small warmth inside. I needed to clearly celebrate all that I am, turn the dimmer switch of my body and soul. When the intensity of this light brightens my spirit, my self worth is so blindingly obvious.
I remember one day, as I went about it, shopping, lunching, moving through time as I usually did, I noticed a very beautiful young lady. She walked with the confidence of her youth and her charms. My first thought was "Yeah, just you wait, it will all change some day". A cloud of sadness for my self hung above me as I thought about it. Then, as if my soul had stoked my belly by dropping my wonder and worth into it's tiny flame, I felt a rush of warmth and comfort. My thoughts changed, it was so obvious!! I still had beauty, and grace, but I now have so much more! I have a sacred womanly aura that can only come from the passing of time, and the etching of experience, and the weathering of storm. It wasn't as obvious as this young one's beauty, but it is so much more radiant. I walked on, with the confidence of older, and I never felt more beautiful.
At our age, we are the full package in every sense of the word. Our bodies are fuller, we are sensual now, not just sexy. Our hearts have expanded from the years of love and care we share with the world around us. Our souls are full with the satisfaction of dreams realized, yet we still have much to dream about. Our belly, the place deep down inside where we cultivate all that is uniquely us, is fuller. We have something that young ones don't have. We have earned with honor all that we are now. The young ones still have to pay their dues, they have to go through finding their identity, who they are, what they stand for. Many will have to walk through dark hallways to find their light. Some never will. But we have.................
This makes us so very free. No more having to prove our worth. We know it for ourselves. We can dress as we want, dance as we want, live without excuses or permission, free from the shackles of confused youth. We create our own. We know who we are and we adorn ourselves accordingly. No need to explain our selves to anyone. We don't owe that to anyone but that beautiful person in the mirror.
Now how exquisitely beautiful is the freedom of all that. Blinding.............just blinding. When our light shines with all our uniqueness; the uniqueness of a soul that has been fully awaken and accepted, it is the most spectacular light you will ever know.
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