"Memories"

Do you ever get those days when it feels like you are walking through a long forgotten time? You will hear a song on the radio or you will see an article of clothing while you are shopping, now coming back into style, and suddenly you pass back in time.

Personally I think it's a groovy feeling. Sort of tingly and floaty. It makes me feel warm, and calm, like I'm about to watch one of my favorite movies. You know, the ones that you save for days that you need a little self love and care, you pop it in your player and sit back, with a beverage in hand, snuggled in your favorite blanket (mine is a Winnie the Pooh fleece tie blanket my girls gave me long ago). You let the movie transport you somewhere else and forget about whatever the world has you in the middle of for the moment.

I find I get this feeling a lot when I'm sitting by the fire with my husband and we are sipping wine and listening to the 70's music channel. Although hubby is a bit older than I am, we realized that our past cosmic journeys had come together in the early 70's. We sing to the music, we reminisce about the times and places we were. And the crazy things we did, as we take our mutual trips down memory lane. It is a learning time for us. Since we came to be one late in our lives, we have much of our past that we don't know about. Funny, as we share, how the big picture comes together. My soul mate was quite the free spirit in his day. All in all though, he always had a respect for, and love of, family, honor, and integrity. The past supports the present and teaches us what is to become the future.

I guess I am now old enough to have a past to look back on. Sure we retain our memories from however far our minds can remember. There is always good and bad times that we reflect on. These times shape us and bring us to who we are today. But, I think there needs to be a certain time passage that happens before we really can appreciate how profound those memories can be. Memories can be pretty poignant and somewhat unsettling without the perspective of time passed to give it relevance. Sure, we have all done some dumb things in our youth and young adulthood, present company included. But, once we get a bit more seasoned in our journey, we can look back on these phases of moulting and know that they were just that. It is the sloughing off of one life as we transition on to another.

This is a good thing, let me explain...... I can't count the number of times and places this has occurred to me lately. I am at middle point in my journey to being fully seasoned. So much of life that was out of focus before, is in perfect clarity now. Sometimes I wondered about why that was. I used to look back on my life and at times, just cringe at the crazy, stupid, insensitive, downright rude things I did. I also think about the mall bangs, the tight clothes, the outlandish colors and styles that I once cherished......E gads!! Yes I really had my moments. But, what I have now found, is instead of cringing when I remember, I reflect. Why, because all of that silliness has brought me to the magnificence that I am now. Every garish color, every dumb dumb moment, and every forbidden embrace, contributed to who I am today.

Now, some of what I have done truly was a mistake. It hurt people I loved, and it stained me too. These are the memories that I would rather forget, they make my stomach turn just a bit. But, they are part of my whole. For the yin and the yang of it, they also have shaped me and brought me here. I now look upon them as unpleasant static noise in the harmonic music of my life. The static plays an important roll. It serves to remind me somatically what ingredients in my seasoning to leave out for the betterment of my life and my journey. So, they too have their place. I pass over those times and go on to the warm remembrances of past loves, past lives, and future dreams. These times in my past serve to remind me how wonderful and magical it is to be where I am today. I have learned oh so much........My soul mate and I have a bond so deep, something I never could imagine feeling. I believe that I wouldn't know how special this man is, had I not experienced some of the static that I had. He too has had his share; the healing and learning from that has born to us this life. I treasure my children and my life because I know there were times when I came close to loosing both. I treasure my friends and my acquaintances as now I know what true connections are. A knowledge realized by being in the company of those not well suited for who I was, only I didn't know “who I am” at that time.

Just this morning, I was listening to the 70's music channel, and my favorite song began to play, the song that helped me realize my husband was to be my soul mate, Wild Flower, by Skylark. It is one of those songs, you know the kind, that was written just for you. The kind that reaches deep down into your core and is written using your soul's words. I promised myself, after a very dark time in my life, that I would only love again if I could find a man who understood, organically, what that song meant to me. I did find him, or rather, he found me. He picked me up and turned me from what could have been a very destructive time in my life. I owe him more than words can ever say.

So, once again, as I pen this thread, I find myself stopping to remember. I feel that warmth sink into me as I smile and reminisce. I take joy in my past, I also have learned to put what was not so pleasant in it's rightful place, and to forgive my thoughtless mistaken ways. This is my journey to whole ness, to acceptance, and to the ultimate in self love. Memories are wonderful places we go to visit, to remind ourselves of who we were, and how far we have come, and what lays ahead. Embrace these journeys dear heart, don't run from them. Our past is ourselves, a process to becoming what we are and will be. We are seasoning to perfection, and these are the ingredients of making it happen. Settle into the comfort of these thoughts, rest into the journey of it all. Close your eyes and let your mind's eye replay your life reel. Take in a deep breath of contentment. Because, when you open your eyes again, you will be here, in the present. You will know how full your basket is and how far you have come..................and you will smile..........................the smile of knowing

"The Evolution of Mothering"

We have all said it sooner or later, "My Gosh, I'm turning into my mother!" This statement could have been prompted by a look in the mirror, a spoken word, something that we thought of, or didn't. Whatever the catalyst, this exclamation is often looked upon as a bad thing.

Most of us will look back on our mothers mothering with mixed emotion. There will be the comforting times we remember when we scraped our knee and she knew exactly how to make the boo boo better. We remember staying home sick from school and having that special honor of the bed lovingly made on the couch, complete with chicken soup and kisses on the forehead. Little did we know, those kisses were of dual purpose, one part love and one part high tech diagnostics. (Clever moms we have). Remember when we didn't win the spelling bee, or we didn't place on the volleyball team, or when our hearts were broken for the first time? Who was always there, with just the right words, the perfect comfort food, and the most understanding ear....Yep that would be our mom. She always made everything OK again, in her special mothering way.

Well, then there are those times, usually when we were just a bit older, where the mixed emotion comes in. We wanted to wear the micro mini skirt with the mid drift top but our Mom (say Mom sarcastically in a long drawn out, whiny kind of nasal voice…… you get the picture) said, "No this is not appropriate, you’re not old enough." And, we proved it, by throwing the expected temper tantrum and stomping around demanding that we, yes we who are acting like a two year old, are more than old enough to wear this kind of clothing. EVERYBODY else does!! Sound familiar. From this moment forward, for the next several years anyway, our mothers and our selves engage in the battle of will and decorum. This starts the love/eye roll portion of our relationship.

Time goes on, battles are won and lost, we grow up, we leave the nest; we create our own lives. Nurtured and loved, supported and bolstered; in spite of the fact that we never would admit mom was always there and we really needed her. We step out into this world, secure in our ability to survive it, thanks to...........Yep mom again.

As a mother myself, at that time of independence it always amazes me to find there is so much pain and empty ness. You would think after all that dedication, emotion, and love, one would welcome the rest. But instead we watch our babes walk away from us, and silently berate ourselves. We did such a wonderful job supporting them (and fighting them) while they became free thinking, strong human beings, yet they couldn't wait to leave us. Huh…..where's the gratitude there, right?

We get married (or not) and we have children (or not) but whatever road we travel, we think we know it all. We are educated, mature (we think), and have all the answers. We find jobs and partners; we find our likes, dislikes, passions, and convictions. During this part of our journey, we share all we know with our mothers, hoping to enlighten them so that they aren’t living in the dark ages any more. Sure they did what they could with what they know when they raised us. But, we know so much more, and we can’t wait to share. Moms are great listeners. They listen to our views on life, love, children and politics. They are patient and supportive. We, in turn, listen to them chat about the bowling team, planting flowers, the red hat club, and what they had for lunch at the deli on the corner after a round of golf. We think, how nice and how boring…… We still feel like we are just so much more than our mothers. After all we are the new and improved model, are we not?

What we are too enlightened to figure out is exactly that. We are the new and improved model. But, it is our mothers love, guidance, and teaching that we are improving upon. If not for our humble beginnings at the knee of our mothers, our selves would not be where we are today.

Now it has taken this author a while to figure this out. I spent many a conversation with my mother at opposite sides of the proverbial arena. Me talking, trying to persuade her to my line of thinking, her on her side, just trying to figure out where the hell I got that idea from in the first place. But, trying her best not to squelch whatever motivation I felt for the topic at hand. It seemed for a long time that we were at opposite sides of said arena. I call it the arena to conjure up the image of battle and competition, because it does seem like that for a while. We were two strong gladiators, swinging swords in defense of our convictions.

Well, thank the good Lord above, for clarity and common sense. Albeit usually coming later than sooner. One day it hit me, my mother and I, we are of the same thoughts, same goals, same journey; we just travel in different lanes of the same highway. First mom traveled in front, leading by the examples of her mother, she went through all the same trial and angst with her mom as I did with her, be certain of that. She became the new and improved model. In showing us love and compassion, we became strong and pulled out in front. For a while, we led, using the fuel from our upbringing, and adding to it the knowledge of our own unique experiences, we became the new model. In time, we came to travel side by side. Our journey is slower and more relaxed, she the vintage model, me, next year’s best buy. Both sharing the road, each making our own interpretation of the map; wisdom of the old and of the new. It becomes a journey of enjoyment and empathy, and understanding, and realizing.

Yes, there comes a day when you will realize that your mother is wise indeed. She has more knowledge than you ever gave her credit for, until now. Now, listening to the stories of her relatives, her mom, sisters, old flames, becomes a time of respect and admiration. You are now old enough, mature enough, to be able to say, "I don’t know it all". I need to learn and grow, and listen to my mother. We are the new and improved model, so is she, and her mother before her.

Mothering is evolution at its best. Mothers for centuries have loved and nurtured their daughters, only to have them leave for their lives and become these "tweens" caught ‘twixed childhood and "wow, mom really does know what she’s talking about". Take heart, the day will come when this necessary phase is complete, and you too, will sit at your mothers knee again and enjoy that same comfort and love that you did when you were young. Only now, you will finally understand. Once again, you will say, "My Gosh, I’m turning into my mother!" And you will feel a swell of pride that only evolution brings.