"Rage Against the Menopausal Machine"

OK, I can breathe again............Just got done with my yearly mammogram. Oh yes, you ladies know what I am talking about. The dreaded event that comes around every year about this time, usually accompanied by the indignant obligatory poke and prod. We all know these activities are important to our womanly health, and we go, and present body parts to be scrutinized. All part of being a woman they say.......(if I ever find out who "they" is I'm gonna kick their butt...........)

Today, as I sat in the mammogram room, awaiting my results, I made the decision to write about this exact moment in time. There I was, dressed in my thin green gown, pacing the floor, waiting for my "good luck charm" Betsy to come back to the room and say, "Ok, you're all done for another year" (I always call Betsy my good luck charm, she seems to do my test every year. Silly, I know). As I stopped my incessant pacing for a moment, I looked in the mirror. Now, my complexion has always been somewhat, OK. I have the wonderful (NOT) brown spots from sun and time, a few wrinkles, a little saggy here and there, but hey, all in all, not bad for someone of my "time". As I was saying, looking in the mirror, I see pimples ALL OVER!! And, not the cute little ones the young girls get, these are the kind that just spring to life overnight, and don't go away!! I look at a couple on my chin, and upon closer inspection, what do my wandering eyes should I see............but a few black whiskers perched defiantly next to said pimples.............What, am I in menopause, or puberty!!! SERIOUSLY!!

Betsy, my good luck charm, has just come back in the room and rescues me from my thoughts on this conundrum; "OK, you're all done for another year!" atta girl Betsy!! This brings me to where I began this thread, OK, now I can breathe again......

I was really never expecting any bad news, I come from good solid healthy genes (thanks Mom!!) and really can't say that I've ever had any problems per ce. But, one just never knows, when one is in menopause, your whole body feels like it's out to undermine everything that was ever good and positive about you and your body. It feels like some one or some thing has a voo doo doll in their back pocket and they are spending entirely too much time finding twisted ways to turn your life into some kind of freak show.

Really, think about it. I was once confident in my body. I exercised it, fed it well, dressed it nicely and it responded as it should, as I would expect. It would tighten up, tone up, and look not too shabby, thank you very much! Now, I could eat nothing but lettuce for a month and not lose an ounce. I could participate in boot camp classes until I can’t move, and still, the skin on my arms and legs flap like those goofy wing suits some of my hubby’s jump buddies would wear during his sky diving days. I buy fashion and fancy to adorn my miserable excuse of what was a great form, and it looks like something hanging on a clothes line, strung a bit loose I might add. My predictable body has become a frustrating puzzle. Uggghhhh.

I also had a pretty steady constitution. Nothing frazzled me. I worked in some pretty frantic jobs, and I’m a mother to boot. That in itself is not for the faint of heart. Now, I can’t find my hinny with both hands. Always forgetting even the smallest details, loosing my train of thought during conversations. One minute I am laughing hysterically, then I find myself ready to cry at the drop of a hat. My poor husband doesn’t know what direction to turn. Bless his heart as he tries to weigh his words as he forms a sentence to make sure it doesn’t evoke a stream of tears or tirade of venomous fuming. What he doesn’t know is that no matter what, he can never get it right, but I appreciate his efforts.

So my options………I talk with my trusted Gynecologist about all the different ways one can rage against the menopause machine. Many of them, depending on personal opinion, can have some not so wonderful side effects. You can expect everything from swollen "girls", to pimples, to water weight gain, to loss of hair, sleepiness, insomnia, lack of energy, too much energy, mood swings, irrational thoughts, and the list goes on. WOW, that makes me want to take this stuff. I could go "natural". Then I have to wait for months before the nuts and berries, and assorted forest offerings kicks in. Any woman who has been awaken several times a night swimming in a pool of sweat will tell you that is entirely too long!! Then we have the "do nothing and wait it out" option. Gee, that sounds like a good idea………it sends my hubby screaming into the night……can’t blame him. So, wear cotton pj’s, have a fan by the bed, ice water, no coffee, no alcohol (and who wants to make love feeling like a sweaty, weepy, blob of self pity……really?). When I wake up each morning, I feel like I should just make a blanket apology to the world for all of the bad karma I am going to spread as I crank my way through the day. Boy this is sounding better all the time. Being a woman in menopause is NOT for wimps. I know you feel me...................

Take heart my dear sisters, this too will pass and we will emerge victorious. I have heard this from several strong and wonderful women. One day we will wake up with the clarity and confidence of having won the battle. I know many women who I truly honor, they have grace and beauty and an inner glow that only comes from emergence from their menopausal cocoon. As I journey toward my own inner glow, one thing I know with solid conviction. A sense of humor is still the best medicine. Pair that with support from loving friends and family, and this whole process ain’t so bad after all. Give your self a break, we are woman…… and we are human….. we can laugh hysterically, cry a river, stomp and storm, or curl up and cuddle. Rage against the menopause machine with humor and personal compassion, and I’ll see you on the other side………we will be better for it!!



***Acknowledgement*** I want to thank my wonderful husband for being a living breathing thesaurus for me during the writing of this story. My menopause mush brain was kicking in, and for the life of me, I couldn't find the right words with a compass. He is my muse, and he has more wisdom than he will ever give himself credit for.......I love you...........

"Reflections on Purchase"

I was so excited today. There was a knock on the door, followed by the low rumble of the UPS truck pulling away from my house. "Ohhhh goodie", I exclaimed as I bounced down the stairs to retrieve my just delivered bounty.

I have gotten accustomed to placing internet orders for the cherished treasures that I covet. It used to be; I would jump into my car, and with tunes blaring, happily drive an hour or so for the instant gratification of the quick purchase. But now, I am finding a childlike, Christmas time anticipation in placing an order on line. Why take the time to drive to the mall, save money on the gas. Besides, I just don't feel that enthusiastic about going to all that trouble and time and energy..........and........Oh my God..........I am TOO TIRED to go shopping! What am I saying.........what does this mean...........When did this sentinel event in my life happen, to make me loose the excitement of going......TO THE MALL. I would rather sit in my place, with only a credit card and a mouse to keep me company, nary a word is spoken, I am alone and isolated, just me and my 'puter............how pathetic!!! How...........old.

I digress (……..seriously though…….. how pathetic). Anyway.............as I stood in my kitchen, unwrapping my wares, I got to thinking about how my taste in what I considered treasures has changed. In the 70’s, earrings that had feathers, and denim jeans, (the wider the leg of my pants the better), were THE items to have. In the 80’s, I was a young stay at home mother, so my guilty purchase was anything meager and motherly. The 90’s brought with it my single again life, so I was drawn toward dressing as a sexy, yet conservative, mature single mother. I have gone from bell bottoms to stretch denim, from cotton to leather (and back...thank the heavens for THAT one......not pretty), from tight fitting to diaphanous. It’s amusing to realize how you decorate your body correlates with what is resonating in your soul.

The treasures I have laid out in front of me on my kitchen table, you ask? Yes, I will share..........a pair of pants that have a wonderful Indian design to them, with draw string closure, wood beads adorning the ends, a new reusable shopping bag made of colorful recycled material, with the words "I am Powerful" embroidered on one side, and an assortment of teas and accessories to help me enjoy my tea with the full experience. I enjoy drinking loose leaf teas, the aroma is wonderful and calming, tea buds are a visual delight as well as a taste surprise. I was pleased with my purchases. I like to keep them in their boxes and pretty packages for a few days. I enjoy opening the packages again and again to savor the joy. There is even a bit of sadness when I incorporate my new purchases into my life.

It’s an interesting perspective to look back on what was once important enough to spend my money on, compared to what I consider treasure now. It seems like the older I get, the more intrinsic my shopping has become. Not caring so much about what is decorating the outside, but more, what is yearning on the inside. Take the tea for example; I never thought much about it. Considering I am Canadian, and tea was a staple in our home, it is something that I usually took for granted. The big decision was, milk, sugar, or lemon. Now, I have read that white tea is high in antioxidants, matte can have the same effect as caffeine without the "buzz" and green tea is just good all the way around. This will help my insides, keep me young and strong, and give me good things to help my body maintain itself. Add pretty cups adorned with oriental designs and a mixture of dried fruits and berries, drinking tea becomes a sensory delight, for mind, body, and soul.

Does not shout at my out side, but whispers to my in side.

My pants, soft and baggy, ease at the waist, bursting with colorful designs. And, part of the proceeds help women in need, so much the better. It is a privilege to help out my fellow women as I become comfortably styled. The shopping bag too, has a higher cause than to just carry a few groceries to my home. It is made from recycled material and part of those proceeds go to assist organic farming. Feed my body, feed my soul.

It feels "right" to own these treasures. These are not hollow superficial purchases, they are made with the greater good in mind. I guess this is just another phase of evolution that I have realized. I no longer watch the fashion trends of today, I know what comforts me and my soul. I almost feel a sense of sadness for those who are a slave to fashion and the norm, but remind myself that we are all moving to our own vibrations. And, that's OK. Whether we express our soul by feeding the insides or adorning the outsides, that is what makes us such a fascinating bunch. How awesome is that.

So whether you drive to the mall with the music blaring, or sit quietly in your place, credit card in hand, here's to the Christmas time aniticipation of your souls treasures………….Ohhhh goodie!!!

"Nesting"

Nesting

I remember when I was in my third trimester of pregnancy. One morning I woke up and felt this low vibration that set into motion the urge to put everything in it's place. I was washing, and folding, and cleaning, and smiling!! I hummed baby tunes and danced my proud belly around my house. All the while, I was amused at the fact that I had been dragging my growing self around the day before, longing for a moment to sit and rest, only to feel light and free and energized today. Not long after that feeling of freedom and lightness descended upon me, I was blessed with the arrival of my reason for exhisting for the rest of my life.
Nature calls to us as female beings to prepare our space for the coming of this most wonderful blessing. It's primal and maternal and oh so strong. It gives us strength where we think there is none.

From this moment forward, we will continue to add and arrange our nest to best suit the needs of our growing brood. From this moment forward, we will answer that materal call to keep our children safe and warm in the nest that we have created for them. This place becomes the nest of nuture, of exploration, of wonder and realization.....This is a safe place to learn and grow. Our brood becomes bigger, our nest needs to grow with it. We need to grow with it. And, we do. We learn to become great architechs. We have been known to work with next to nothing for materials, except a mother's love. With, that, we build empires.
The time comes; our children, who have grown and thrived in the warmth of the nests we have built, will take that bold step out of our safety and into the world...........and away from us........Now what? We have spent one lifetime building, creating, nuturing, and dreaming. Now the object of all our maternal works has left us.
　
Empty nest.................that is what "they" call it......whomever "they" is. It's a quiet place, not quite as warm or as light as I recall. It echoes with giggles while making bubble bread, my voice reading a bed time story, a child calling in the night. Suddenly the lightness and freedom I felt during my anticipation of birth, has dissapeared and been replaced by the heaviness of a life now left behind.

My hubby was the one who first showed me that one nest emptied can be another nest full filled. Shortly after my oldest daughter followed her dream all the way to Alabama, I came home to the sound of destruction. I followed it into our bedroom to find that the wall between ours and my daughter's room was gone. He was building a nest for us. He knew I always wanted a canopy bed, and my hubby knows I love rustic decor. So he had created a nest for us with copper walls and rustic woodwork framing for bed and beyond.

From there I came to embrace my inner architect. And, it's been a wild ride ever since. It seems to me that I have designed many a palace for myself in our humble home. And, I too have changed the wallpaper and furniture of my soul many times since then. I realized that during my time being the head nest builder for my girls, I really didn't take much time to "decorate my own soul". Well now is my time!! And what fun I have had.

I think my brood be perplexed!! They come home from time to time to visit and they are amused to find how the nest has evolved. They are amused at how I have evolved. My home has been from country to ethereal and back. Colors of browns, and blues, to greys and reds. There are deer horns and oils, there are pictures of sentimental value and those of a thought provoking bent. I am finding that I receive great pleasure lining the walls of my nest with treasures of the past, of memories and meaning. I am not the slave to the fashion of it all.
　
I have learned to ride a motorcycle, belly dance, train a dog, ride a dog sled. I have dressed as a biker, a hippie, an eskimo. My greatest anticipation used to be sitting at a drop zone waiting for my husband to fall softly out of the sky under a bright canopy of color. Now it is curling up under the stars on our deck, with a glass of red wine in my hand, my hubby at my side, my dogs at my feet...and a mezmerizing fire in front of me. I have grown my hair, and cut my hair. I have become more womanly in my figure and given myself permission to say, "I am amazing just the way I am", fully knowing that "the way I am" is ever changing.
I heard my youngest daughter say to me one day, "Gee mom, what's it going to be tomorrow?". She was referring to the ever changing decor of my nest and my soul. I believe she was even a bit put off by it all. I found myself smiling. How fun it is to not be defined by one "thing" or another. I also found it amusing that I can confound my children in such a way. I can hear them talk between the two of them, "What is up with mom, she is acting really weird lately". Well thank you!! What a compliment.

I think though, that my morphing is slowing down. I believe that my soul has been sifting through my ethereal closet for a while now.......trying on the many hidden costumes stored in the mysterious trunks in my mind. Deep inside, I can tell that the tumblers of all the possible combinations are falling into the designated alignment. I find comfort in flowing clothing, soft music, a good book, candles, warm scents, blooming tea, sleeping dogs, my soulmate by my side.........It feels as if I have been sluffing off the skins of all that I can be, growing towards what is truly my soul's desire. Now I can see my center coming to light. It feels like freedom and lightness.....................Funny, I think I have felt something like this before.
　　

"Step Into the Light"

Here I am, another morning, another familiar ritual, brush the teeth, wash the face, put on the makeup...............Looking into the mirror.................my self is staring back at me..............................Who is that? A once strong taut young woman, full of ideals and dreams, now a bit softer and rounder, searching for gray hair and, still, the meaning of life; wondering how I got from there to here.
It's funny how it hits you one day. Life has changed. BIG time. How did that happen without me noticing it? Did it creep in on such small baby feet that it silently passed me by? Or, did it take such giant leaps that it rushed by me and I didn't even recognize it? Maybe it was the babies, and the jobs, and the puppies, and the appointments. And maybe it was trying to juggle life as a single mom after my divorce, or trying to make sense of dating again, or finding the love of my life for the first time.............however it happened............it has..............I'm older.

Now, this may seem like a bad thing. We were all once young, filled with wonder and vitality. Time passes in whatever way it chooses, and we all come to this place called "older". I have had the awesome pleasure to meet so many neighbors and friends who live here too. It does sadden me when I talk with them and find that they feel sad, lost, and empty. I also have felt this, but I have felt something else too..............
The older I am getting, the more I am aware of a "light" that is flickering inside me. I have tried to put a name to this feeling so many times. It comes to me at the strangest moments. Sometimes the feeling is there in the morning when I hear the birds sing, or when I am in the yard with my flowers and my dogs, or while I listen to beautiful music. I ignore it sometimes, actually I ignored it most times, because I was too busy feeling the weight of "older" and wallowing in the fact that my youth was leaving town. Slowly though, I started to notice and pay attention to that warm flickering feeling of my light. It is buried deep so it's warmth is barely felt above the din of life as I know it.

To me, a light is the best way to describe this sensation. I don't know exactly how or when I first felt this prescience. Maybe it was during reflection on my journey to here. Or, during moments of heightened intuition, awakened from my experiences, good and not so. These are reminiscences of times that cause a secret smile to cross my face, or knit my brow................... Memories all my own; quiet times spent just listening to the subtle voices in my soul. Voices that speak softly but oh so sweetly, telling me to celebrate my past and to embody it, grow and learn from it. These moments and thoughts, each one an amp and an ohm to my light, feeding it, nurturing it, to glow brighter and brighter. I needed to stop my frantic life and be aware of the small warmth inside. I needed to clearly celebrate all that I am, turn the dimmer switch of my body and soul. When the intensity of this light brightens my spirit, my self worth is so blindingly obvious.
I remember one day, as I went about it, shopping, lunching, moving through time as I usually did, I noticed a very beautiful young lady. She walked with the confidence of her youth and her charms. My first thought was "Yeah, just you wait, it will all change some day". A cloud of sadness for my self hung above me as I thought about it. Then, as if my soul had stoked my belly by dropping my wonder and worth into it's tiny flame, I felt a rush of warmth and comfort. My thoughts changed, it was so obvious!! I still had beauty, and grace, but I now have so much more! I have a sacred womanly aura that can only come from the passing of time, and the etching of experience, and the weathering of storm. It wasn't as obvious as this young one's beauty, but it is so much more radiant. I walked on, with the confidence of older, and I never felt more beautiful.

At our age, we are the full package in every sense of the word. Our bodies are fuller, we are sensual now, not just sexy. Our hearts have expanded from the years of love and care we share with the world around us. Our souls are full with the satisfaction of dreams realized, yet we still have much to dream about. Our belly, the place deep down inside where we cultivate all that is uniquely us, is fuller. We have something that young ones don't have. We have earned with honor all that we are now. The young ones still have to pay their dues, they have to go through finding their identity, who they are, what they stand for. Many will have to walk through dark hallways to find their light. Some never will. But we have.................

This makes us so very free. No more having to prove our worth. We know it for ourselves. We can dress as we want, dance as we want, live without excuses or permission, free from the shackles of confused youth. We create our own. We know who we are and we adorn ourselves accordingly. No need to explain our selves to anyone. We don't owe that to anyone but that beautiful person in the mirror.

Now how exquisitely beautiful is the freedom of all that. Blinding.............just blinding. When our light shines with all our uniqueness; the uniqueness of a soul that has been fully awaken and accepted, it is the most spectacular light you will ever know.

Dedication

I am now in the middle of life. I often wondered what that meant to me and to others. During my musings on this subject, I have been moved to write my thoughts down. It seems to me, that the "middle" of life is becoming the best part. It is an enigmatic time of  life, full of twists and turns, shadows, and light. I share my thoughts with you, and hope that you will do the same. I dedicate this to all the wonderful beautiful women out there, who live in the "middle" with me. ~ Kat