"Digging Out"

I guess that's what I'm calling it, what I have been up to lately. My usual upbeat, bright sided, and all in all, not bad existence was in a bit of a shambles for a while. Nothing earth shattering, or even bad, just life as it turns. For quite a while, life was pretty good, it was on the upswing as one would say. Then, as is the yin and yan of the rhythm of time, the crest of the wave broke and dumped me in the deep end.

As I sat there, wet and worried, I tried to take a step back and "call this something". Mainly thought it would help me cope, put a name on it, a white sticky backed tag with a felt pen name sloppily scrawled on it. Slap it on, right there. Then, it can stand in front of me, instead of live within me. "Digging Out"

It started with just a hiccup or two, small nuisances that came into my day. The norm felt like a pair of hose, just a half size too small. Just wasn't comfortable, didn't quite fit. As time went on, the rhythm started to stilt, the small things became many. It seemed like my cup was filled with ick and many things that gave me pleasure, were now causing me to fret and worry, be agitated and unsettled. What once was stable, was now muck and myer. I started to sink in this muck, down deeper, and darker.

When one finds oneself in this mucky mess, it is easy to be selfish, introverted, and not happy at all. I was there. I was selfish and I'm not sure if it was good or bad. Some of what irriated me needed to be dealt with, I needed to take charge of the part that was driving at me and pushing me off center. In that case selfish is good, cathartic, it gave me strength. I needed what I needed. But then selfish also meant I was closing off a part of me that should have stayed open to my life and those in it. This, my friend is not good. It causes blindness and a tunnel vision that can be very lonely.

I thank my wisdom and the time I have learned because these gifts were the branch on which I held to as I sank into the muck of selfish and frustrated and just not happy at all. That little light again.............All it took was a change of perspective. I wanted what was up there, above the muck and the myer. I wanted the light, the wonderful freedom that just plain being happy brings. So, I started digging out........

Shovel by shovel, each load a reminder of how wonderful my life is. Dig, dig, my amazing girls who have grown into amazing women. Dig, dig, my soulmate who would do anything for me. Dig dig, my ability to draw, to write, to play music, to dance, to make others laugh and smile. Each load revealing my light and my worth.

Now, I am finally dug out...........freedom.............Sigh, I know that I may end up around this way again. Life is like that. But, I will remember to grab that branch of wisdom and knowlege and hang on as I dig out once again. It's the yin and yan of life, and, it's OK.............

Sorry I've been away so long...........how are you?

I hope this finds you well in the pivotal year 2012. This is the year of cosmic and somatic change in the world. There is a vibration starting, a good one. If you sit quietly and close your eyes, breath deep, and sense, you will feel it. How wonderful.......We've taken alot from this Mother Earth, it is time to give something back. Give of yourself and your gifts, give to others, pay it forward, do good deeds, smile, sing, dance, pray, love, live in patience and compassion......live for the good of it all..........

I have been creating and cocooning over the past months. Taking some time to heal, adjust, and find prospective again. Some of you may know that I have published my blog as a book, creating the pictures from my mind into color, binding the words and thoughts into something to be held close and pondered.

Now, my blog takes an enigmatic turn, as is in life, another corner. Ahhh....what will lie, just beyond the next bend in the road.   I find that I have many intriging thoughts that seem to move through me. I will use this place to gather them together and share with you. I am so happy to be moved to write here again, so glad you are back...........let's travel together................

"The Cold Cream Conundrum"

The other day, my youngest stopped in to pay me a visit. It's always wonderful when the kids drop by. Today, though, it turned into a visit that sparked a deep soul search within me.

When my daughter dropped in, I was in the middle of an exhaustive search for the most definitive comparison of eye cream that I could find. You see, earlier that day, I would be found standing in the middle of the face cream isle at our local WalMart. I was reading label after label of foreign sounding ingredients and well worded promises to make me look like I had just sipped from the proverbial Fountain of Youth. Some products were reasonably priced, some others, seriously, how much does one need to spend for eternal youth and beauty!! Of course in my mind, if it doesn't cost as much as the national debt, then, it must not work, right? Recently, I had actually tried a fancy prescription face cream recommended by a dermatologist co worker. Well, I can say that I felt it did tighten up the saggy jowls a bit. The bags under the eyes weren't quite so, and it did seem that those pesky crow's feet and frown lines were a little less noticeable. But then, I went to the pharmacy to inquire about the cost. Now there's some shocking news!! Really, I now know how much one needs to spend for eternal youth and beauty. WOW!!

So, back to my visit with my daughter and the definitive comparison search on the old eye cream. After listening to me krutz and complain for a while, my daughter finally said, “Mom, you spend so much of your time writing about the joys of getting older and how great it is. Isn't this kind of against what you stand for?” Kids these days, really the insolence of the lot of them!! But then again, “out of the mouths of babes” it came. My youngest has always been my best mirror. She is one who will call a spade a spade. She doesn't let me run away from my self too often. And, in this instance, she had me completely boxed in.

So, what is it about all of this that is so unnerving? Why do we feel like we have to cream, needle, stretch and sew our true selves away? Why can't we look in the mirror everyday and rejoice in the wisdom and beauty that life's artistry has bestowed upon us? I remember a few years back, when I was in training for a mind body exercise program I teach. There was a woman in my class, Dotty. She was the quintessential earth mother. She was older than the rest of us by more than a bit. She had long silver hair, her face bore the markings of a life well lived. She made no excuses for her thoughts, her style, her self. She was an intuitive healer. In the week I spent with her, she gave each of us girls what we needed, when we needed it. She nursed us all that week, with the grace and knowledge that only her living could teach. She was so at ease and comfortable with her self, it was magnificent. I remember during one point in our training, we were to move to the music's calling. I looked at her, but she wasn't moving at all. Instead, she stood still, eyes closed, head tipped up, hands raised, the music called to her to rejoice in it, to worship it. By not moving, she moved in ways so ethereal and magical it cannot be put into words. This, my friends, only comes from living, and the acceptance of it. Glory to life in all of it's splendor. Even now, this image is so powerful to me.

So, back to my daughter's question, it's a hard one to answer. Yes, putting ridiculously priced beauty products on my face to try to turn back the hands of time is against what I stand for. But, what is so scary about letting all this be? My hubby says, I don't need these things. Bless his loving heart (course it could be his way of telling me that I should spend my money on more sound investments too). Either way, it's common sense. But common sense doesn't make one feel more secure about themselves in a world that is ruled by youth and beauty.

Oh that could be a whole other story........It's scary to know that you are getting older, showing older, feeling older. But, as I have mentioned, we don't get older, we “season to perfection”. So, maybe, instead of looking in the mirror and seeing the frown lines, the crapey skin, the bags under my eyes, I should see, the laugh lines from years of joy and smiles, the face that has changed to become more and more like my mother's (she is a very pretty woman, as she enters her 78^th year), the bags under the eyes, well they are there because of late nights with my girls, snuggling and rocking them to sleep in the wee hours, they are there because of sitting up late and talking with my beloved because we enjoy each others company and comfort, not wanting to say good night. The reflection in the mirror is my story written right there in front of my eyes. I will choose to honor my story............

Now, will I never buy fancy beauty products, or will I never dye my hair again? That remains to be seen. I know now that I am not willing to spend a small fortune to turn back the hands of time, and I'm OK with that. I will buy my usual product, it works well enough, and it will suffice. I do buy a box of hair color every 6 weeks or so. It's a tiny investment in my vanity to be sure.

It's scary to grow old in this world, but, I am brave, and I am so much more than what is on the surface. A little fluffing of the feathers with a healthy dose of common sense and self love isn't a bad thing. So, in keeping with “seasoning to perfection”, we all can add a little flavor of our choosing from time to time. In the end, we will be delicious. Just remember, too much flavor, and the result can be a loss of the true original recipe.....

"One Heart, One Mind, Many Souls........And a Rumble"

Today I had the honor of observing the coming together of souls of different minds and unique outlooks. There were opinions, beliefs, and convictions from many view points. There was talk of God, of those departed, of hope and of healing. There were welcoming wishes and thanks of participation in the event that we were attending.

Now this was not a huge event per say, not in the sense of sheer numbers. But, I am sure to the one organizing it, it was monumental, and he did an amazing job. I heard one person quip at the pre ride event, “a motorcycle rally to raise funds for a Christian memorial? Hummmm, not sure about that one”.

Yes this was a motorcycle rally. We came together to raise money in memory of a chaplain who was killed in active duty. We came together to honor his legacy, to support his wife and children, to supply those in active duty, and to start a scholarship for future students who receive the gift of this calling. And, it was the chancellor of the university who mentioned, with a chuckle, that he was a bit skeptical. And, who wouldn't be, we were quite the lot.

As I mentioned earlier, there were souls of many dimensions here. Take my hubby and my self. We consider ourselves christian people. We don't go to church but we do try to conduct our lives with love and openness, live and let live, give a helping hand to those who need it, don't judge others as we have our quirks too. There were many there who had strong convictions and beliefs in their greater power. And, while there wasn't much talk directly about the subject of Christianity and religion, the feeling of oneness with all of us was so strong it was palpable.

After a short prayer for our safety, we all suited up and got ready to ride. This was the first ride for this annual fundraiser, so of course, a picture was in order. After that, it was a police escort out of the parking lot and away we went. There is no way you cannot be moved by the sound of rolling thunder and the look of bike after shiny bike cruising by you. Many cars that were stopped had their arms out the windows with their hands in the air. For this moment everyone, regardless of why or how or who, was united.

Maybe not for our cause, but that didn't matter, it was the joining of souls for a moment, all enjoying the spectacle, all being able to relate to the same wonder. This is the magic of coming together. In this moment, you could feel the calm and the security of the universe being in balance, at least in our corner of it.........

I have always enjoyed sharing of thoughts and beliefs and I have had the profound honor of talking with many regarding theirs. And, for the most part, these conversations have been easy and laid back. Oh, every so often I meet someone who is hell bent to change my mind. I take a deep breath and bless them in my own way for their convictions. Even these trading of thoughts are an important learning time.

Religions aside, I am struck by the similarities of groups coming together for the greater good, whatever that good may be. There are the international groups such as the Red Cross, or there is the corner lemonade stand that is being run by an entrepreneurial child wanting to raise money for a most worthy cause. And, trust me, when a child is running a lemonade stand, and you are riding a motorcycle, its an unwritten rule that you must stop and support their cause. Plus, hey how cool is it to have a biker stop for a sip of lemonade at your stand!!! Wow!!! It doesn't matter what the cause or how many are involved in the process, all that matters is that we humans are concentrating our efforts toward making our corner of the world a better place. As we rode the route put forth by our ride organizer, from my vantage point atop the back seat of our Harley, I couldn't help but be awestruck by the incredible beauty around me. Yes we had ridden many of these roads before, but what was different is we were traveling it with our brothers and sisters all toward a common goal. One heart, one mind, many souls.........and a rumble!!

I sometimes worry about the world. It's ugly out there!! So much tragedy, and natural disaster, and humans who have lost touch with any form of genteel reality. One can't help thinking that any day now, we are going to implode, and for the most part, we as a human race, have asked for it. But then today, as I rode through the countryside, I realize that there is hope for us. Our small

little band of brothers and sisters, riding in concert for our cause, are on any given day, joined by many other spirits, all giving for their greater good. The ugly shouts at us, from our televisions, from the newspapers, from our radios, but if we sit still on a quiet evening, we can sense the hum of our unified souls, all working as one to pull this tired, old world back together again.

This too is palpable. Now what we need to do is to tap into that hum and make it grow to a glorifying anthem of unity and hope.

It doesn't matter what cause you support, and it doesn't matter who your higher power is, but what does matter is that you go out and share your passion and your cause and bring other souls together for the greater good. The more positive emotion we have in this world, the better off we will be in the future. The time to turn our world around is now, and it will take all of us to do it. Ride, march, swim, run, sing, jump, dance, pray, sit together in the park and meditate. Be a group of one heart, one mind, many souls. Feel the power of the whole as you come together for a common cause. Whatever you choose, add your cords to the anthem of our world......make your own happy noise, you don't have to ride a motorcycle to make a rumble..................

"Perspective"

Perspective.......it's an interesting word. Come to think of it, it is a very enigmatic word, hard to define. Reason being, the word itself has many different meanings, um well, depending on your “perspective”:

per·spec·tive

noun /pərˈspektiv/ perspectives, plural The art of drawing solid objects on a two-dimensional surface so as to give the right impression of their height, width, depth, and position in relation to each other when viewed from a particular point A picture drawn in such a way, esp. one appearing to enlarge or extend the actual space, or to give the effect of distance A view or prospect The relation of two figures in the same plane, such that pairs of corresponding points lie on concurrent lines, and corresponding lines meet in collinear points A particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view True understanding of the relative importance of things; a sense of proportion An apparent spatial distribution in perceived sound

Now that you've read all of the definitions of perspective, my bent in this thread is more to the definitions of attitude and view point. It came to me the other day, as I was having a wonderful lunch with an old and dear friend, that we are in the perfect place in our lives, as we season to perfection, to have the best vantage point for perspective.

To have the best view of everything tangible around us, we would need to be on the crest of a hill. From that crest, we can see all around us. We can see the valleys and vistas we have traveled through. When we hike through the wilderness, we remember as we stand on that hill, the moments we were taken in awe of our surroundings. We recall the beauty of the tall trees, the sun streaming through the leaves and branches, making us feel small and protected. We think about the rocky ledge that we had to navigate to get to the wonderful views on the other side. We were scared, but resolute in our journey. We made it through and were rewarded for the perseverance by the beauty of it all. Then as we rest a bit, we look forward to the path we are about to take. We can see much in the distance, but it is somewhat obscure. The solid details are not clear, it is somewhat of a mystery. Oh we know the general direction we will travel, and we can see it a bit down the path, but around that first bend, we do not know from there. So, as you scan the horizon, you choose a path to follow, and you start down that hill, toward...........who really knows. That's the fun of it........

The perspective of which I speak, is being in the middle of our lives, the top of the hill as it were, and looking to where we have come and where we are about to go. From atop the crest, we can reflect on past and contemplate future.

Perspective is an enigmatic word, hard to define. Perspective changes as we change, as our knowledge base grows, as we weather the storm, or celebrate the victories of our lives, our perspective adjusts accordingly. Think about what you perceived as important when you were 20, 30, now, 50ish. Your conception of what meant the most to you has evolved, hasn't it? Once it was fashion, then it became commitment to build a life with someone, then it was protection for your children, home, and husband, then..........well, you can fill in the blanks from here. Our views on the world changed, our relationships changed, our opinions of our selves changed, sometimes to the good, sometimes not. This is almost a cocoon like transformation from then to now. We start as these crawling creatures barely able to see beyond our nose on the ground, to these wonderful winged beings who can soar above the earth to see and appreciate all the majesty around us.

So here we are, on the “top of the hill” of our lives. What an amazing place to be, and what a view!!! With all of the knowledge and knowing that we have accumulated in the journey this far, we can look back, as we stand on this hill, and be honored by our selves. Our resilience, our dedication, our perseverance to our commitments and goals. We have accomplished so much in our lives thus far. Really, take this moment to think about it, and when you have, you will feel a pride so profound in the knowing of the path you have traveled. So, with this pride, stand on the hill, in the bright sun, tilt your face to the sky and let the warmth sink into your soul. Open your arms and welcome all that the earth and your heart have to give, rejoice in all that is truly “You”. Give a little “Woo Hoo” if your being is free to do so. You have made it this far!!! Oh yes, to be sure, the road was winding at times. There were storms and much rain, sorrow, yes for sure. But, you are here, now, with all that you are, right here.

Now, look down that hill................Yes you can see the first bit of the path, but around that first bend, we do not know from there. But, what we do know, is in our perspective!This is the gift of time and knowing, of weathering the storm, and celebration. We have lived though so much and so many, that our perspective couldn't be any more fine tuned than it is right now. We have amassed a magnificent library of facts and experiences that will help us to choose the path and put clarity in our world that we just didn't have before. When you visit the stops along the path of your choosing now, you will see them and experience their gifts with a new found understanding. Traveling the path from this moment on, will be so much more fulfilling and rich, because we have perspective. We know what to fret about and what to let slide, we have been there and done that.......perspective. We know now which rocky ledges to wander on to, and which will just give us grief and sorrow if we should continue there.......perspective. We know now that just because the journey isn't mapped out specifically for us to see, we end up exactly where we are supposed to be...............perspective.

Gaining perspective is like moving through our lives, gathering pieces of the puzzle along the way. As we acquire more pieces, we hone the skills of looking at a situation with a multidimensional viewpoint. As more of the pieces fit, life begins to make sense. Not in the way that every good and bad thing that ever happens makes sense. But in the way that we can take a moment to ponder the situation in front of us, and be able to apply our knowledge, our puzzle pieces, and arrange them in a way that we now know is right to us. Our path may not be right for someone else, it is only right for us, and that is OK. Perspective is personal.

So, as I stand with you, on the crest of the hill, I look with you, back on the journey we all have taken to this place in our lives. We all stand here, with our puzzles pieces tucked securely in our hearts, and we look forward, down the path. We have the gift of the past, present, and future, and we have the perspective to make the most from it all. Oh what wonderful experiences lay before us, just around that first bend...................................

"The Brood Comes Home - Part Two"

It makes sense when the bird from the south flies home, the chickadee from just a couple miles north east of us comes home to the nest too. It's great to have both my girls together. This was a quick trip home by all, but it was enjoyable all the same.

We went out for dinner last night. We always have so much fun going out to dinner. We all sit around and gab about this and that, then pretty soon, the silliness starts and away we go, giggling and laughing, trying to keep it down so we don't disrupt all the proper folk taking their nourishment around us. We remember the dinners at The Cracker Barrel, Ponderosa, and oh my heaven's all those meals at Culvers. I swear we covered the whole spectrum of topics in that restaurant. Great memories.

So last night, things were decidedly different. Oh we still had a great time, still had loads of laughs, but something about the dynamic of all of this was very changed. I will try to explain.......I sense another long and winding road here I'm afraid..............

Now, you remember in my last story, I spoke of the magnet on my refrigerator, the one that says “Put away your dreams for your children, and help them with their own”? Well my youngest daughter (the chickadee from just north east of here) followed her dreams all the way to a Masters in Social Work (since I finished high school that that was that, I am in awe of my children's upper educations). During her achievement of this daunting task, she opened group homes, managed all manner of staff and residents, and graduated with a stellar grade point average. Her final presentation was a theory paper on treating trauma, focusing on people with developmental disabilities, using a variety of methods as it pertains to ones developmental level. Her theories and practices are in use state wide, and may go national. Talk about the realization of a dream. During her formative years, she had her struggles and was told often not to reach too high, least she be disappointed. I reminded her that knowledge is more than what happens in four walls, and that she can reach as far as her imagination will take her. She is amazing.........this world is so much better thanks to her and her passions. I went to an open house at one of her newly opened group homes. I looked around for a bit, and chatted with folks there. Being her mom that day was an honor. I was humbled to hear strangers tell me of the importance my daughter has in their lives. It was a profoundly proud moment for me, because of her.

To say both my daughters “know their stuff” is a gigantic understatement.

So, back to the dinner table. We sit down and get our drinks. I instantly feel as old as I ever have because, are you ready for it, NEITHER of my girls get carded!! I am the mother of two women who appear of drinking age and better. I have always felt a smug sense of youth every time we go out, someone always cards my girls. It makes ME feel young. I've been cheated!! The nerve of that waitress. She should know that my fragile ego required her to ask!! Her tip will be seriously affected by this I tell you!!

Anyway, I get over it (sort of.......geez!!) and we start to chat, lots of fun topics are tossed about. Then my two girls find some common ground. They discuss professional philosophy and ethics. They chat about the difference facets of their respective career choices. All I can do is sit dumb founded at the intelligence of the conversation that is revolving around me.

Who are these two and where did they get this stuff? When did they grow up to become these extremely competent human beings? I can't even join in the conversation as I have nothing to add. Their topics are so above me. I do enjoy learning from them though. Funny how the tables have turned, we used to sit around the table and they would ask me questions about the meaning of life and love and I would expound my theories to them. After all, I am the mom, the all knowing........Look at me now, I can't even formulate an intelligent enough question to join in the chat my daughters are having. This isn't a bad thing. This blows my mind...............

As I sit in between the two of them, my eyes swinging back and forth between them, a saying I once heard came to mind. Loosely quoted, “Your children are not yours, they are given to you by God to borrow only for a little while”. As much as we like to take credit for the paths our children walk, that path was set forth long before we meet them on that special day and hold them in our arms. The Good Lord above needs us to take care of them and raise them to the best of our ability until they are ready to put their feet on the path that was pre-ordained especially for them. That is the only theory to this mom that makes sense. I raised them to the best of my ability, which at times was lack luster at best. If their present state was in direct correlation to my clumsy mothering, they definitely wouldn't be in this life as they are now. There must be a higher power who knows so much more and plants that magic seed of the dream. We water and cultivate this seed with support, understanding, compassion and praise. Our harvest is the profound pride we feel when we watch our children walk the path that is truly theirs.

Now it is pretty clear that these children, my children, are on their paths, they are still “mine” in one sense, but they are their own now, by their right and earning. I will always be there for them, cheering them on and supporting whatever dreams they choose. They will always be there for me, supporting me in my dreams. Even though, they have to admit most times, my dreams are just plain weird to them. But, they remember that I have been their dream champion, so they smile, and shake their heads I'm sure, but they cheer me on too.

Now they are starting to giggle about some crazy comment or other, and I am brought out of the cloud of my musings and transported back in time to Culvers for a moment, me and my girls, shushing each other, trying our best at decorum and failing miserably. I smile, these dinner talks are becoming fewer and further between, but are so very special when we are all together; chatting, learning, puzzling, and just plain being goofy.

When the brood comes home, it's a mixture of happy and sad, busy ness and exhaustion, sharing and caring. But, it's a time that I look forward to more than I could ever put into words, and when it's over, it's a feeling so painful that I can barely stand to feel it. Then the news comes one day, “We're coming home!!”. And the excitement is there again, having forgot, temporarily anyway, the pain. Is this the same emotional phenomenon that allows us to propagate our human race? We visit the doctor one day and hear those wonderful words, “You will be bringing a little one home”. When the day comes, the pain can't quite be put into words and we swear as we are in the throws of it, that we will NEVER do this again. Then some time down the road, we are bringing another little one home. The excitement is there again, the pain is forgotten, again.  It makes sense to me.

The beginning...........is just............the beginning.

"The Brood Comes Home"

It's that special time of the year, one I always anticipate with much happiness and excitement. My oldest daughter and her hubby are coming home for a visit.

You see, long ago and far away, in a land very different than this is right now, my oldest daughter watched a movie. It was a normal day in a normal life, and we just decided to watch a movie. What bad could come of this you would ask? Oh gentle reader, do not be lulled into a sense of peace and calm, with visions of popcorn and snuggle blankets dancing in your head. This innocent act, of "just watching a movie", changed my life and my daughter's forever!!

What movie could possibily have that kind of affect on one's life. It was Apollo 13. A well written docu-movie about the ill fated Apollo 13 mission, the successful failure, I believe it was called. They headed for the moon, something went boom, then they had to take a right turn and head for home. After many meetings of the minds in launch control, they splashed down, safe and somewhat sound. A good movie......to my daughter, a great movie, one that sparked an interest in the space program and all things star like that she continues to thrive in even today, and I believe, for many years to come.

I have a magnet on my refrigerator that I have had for a looonnnnggg time. It says "Put away your dreams for your children, and help them with their own". Profound, yes, easy to do, well that is another package of dehydrated space food (don't like cans of worms, blech!!). My daughter, she became this walking, breathing stack of books. Ask her anything about the Apollo 13 space mission, she'll tell you!! And she did..........a lot..........did I say a lot............I meant......A LOT!! OK, she was really interested in this stuff. So, the logical thing to do is to send her to space camp. Mistake #2. (what, oh first mistake was letting her watch the damn movie...). To sum up this preamble; many trips to space camp later, fast forward a few years, and my daughter and her husband are 2 very intrical associates of US Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville Alabama. There you have it, help them with their own dreams and you can say bye bye to them as they move 800 miles away from you...........Geez, ain't that a kick in the flight suit.

Seriously though, I am very proud of my daughter and what she has accomplished in her lifetime. It is a proud moment to watch your child achieve that which they set their minds (and dreams) too. So that brings us back to where I started (wow that was a long and winding road). It's that special time of the year, one I always anticipate with much happiness and excitement. My oldest daughter and her hubby are coming home for a visit.

As I prepare my menus, house work schedule, trips and treats, it hits me that this is my daughter and her hubby coming, not the Queen of England (although I am sure at some point in her life she thought she was...tee hee), so why am I pulling out all the stops and setting forth this great production because she is coming for a visit. I want the house clean, the dogs well trained, the food delicous and reminiscent of what she used to eat when she was here under my wing. I want her to be able to go all the places she did when she lived here and I want to hang with her as she travels down her memory lane. Geez this is a big deal.

I seem to recall that my mom does the same thing. She too has helped me with my own dreams, which landed me 800 miles away from her. Hummm, seems to run in the family, this trapsing far away from home. Mom is always asking what I would like to eat, where I would like to visit, if there is anyone with whom I would like to spend time with. And, be sure, the dust bunnies quake in fear before we stop in. It is a big deal when the brood comes home.

I think this is a capture of the nesting instinct we had when we were awaiting the arrival of our said bundles of joy. As we padded our nest for the coming of our child, we now fluff the feathers of the nest, making home a welcoming place for our brood to return. In a way, the excitement is just about as palpable. The welcome difference is that we don't need to head to the hospital and face many and suntry indignities and an assortment of drugs to kill the pain to have this welcome reunion. Although, I have to admit, as I scrub my tub and vacuum the stairs, that the physical energy taken to complete these tasks for arrival, can be just as exhausting.............but also just as welcome...................

It is such a wonderful feeling as they walk in the door, almost like they have done so yesterday. But, it feels like a long time since then too. You give big hugs and kisses and exchanges of greetings. You feel the momentary weight of time as it has passed, and there is a bittersweetness that you sink into for just a moment. The coming home of the brood is the realization of how quickly this time to last time has gone, but also the realization of how quickly this time to leaving will go. You can't stop it, you can't slow it down. But, to be in the moment and enjoy it is the only way you can be. So, you snap out of it, and smile and hug her one more time. You will make the most of this space, this place in your life. You can pretend for just a little while, that she is home and will never leave. As she comes and goes, and you do whatever you do together, it will feel like it did in the days gone by. What sweetness!!

The time will come all too soon, when she will leave again. You'll see that look in her eye, the one that tells you, yes she will miss you, but her life is waiting, at her home, for her. She needs to go there and live it. Again, you put away your dreams and help her with her own. You smile and say how wonderful it was to see her, and you make plans for doing this again soon..............time will pass quickly, and you'll all be together again.

For the moment though, you will live in that icky grey between place. After they drive away, you walk back into the house, it's deathly quiet and the place echoes. You can see the empty dishes and wet towels that were just in use. Just moments ago. Time needs to pass, the universe will make sense again in a little while, but right now, it feels like said universe has just given you a wedgie. And, you're in a crowded room, no way to fix it. Just gotta deal with it......

***I gratefully acknowlege my wonderful son in law, Ed, who helped me get the words and directions correct in relation to areospace references***