"Being Thankful"

It was the weirdest thing, here I was this afternoon, walking in the parking lot of my local Walmart when I was struck by a profound sense of thankfulness. It almost stopped me in my tracks. This is not a good thing to do when one is walking in a parking lot, as they may find themselves being turned into a hood ornament...........rapidly.

I have to say that I have been riding a rather good wave lately. I just had a birthday and at 51, I am in better shape and feel more healthy and feminine than I have in many years. I have much to be thankful for. Good health, a wonderful companion in my husband, 2 beautiful daughters who are successful and centered in their lives, and 2 awesome dogs to share the couch with. I have connected with old friends, met new ones, and through these reunions, I have found my way back to a past life that I did not know existed. With the help of my new old friends I am re learning skills that I developed ago. I could go on, but this is deliciously redundant, in a good way.

But there is another side to all of this. The world is seriously running a mock. Just today, there was another mass shooting in a school. There are people who are maiming and destroying mankind in the most hideous of ways. There are people who are loosing their loved ones to disease and divorce. Children are growing up learning spite and hatred and are following a sure path of destruction. For anyone who is aware to any extent about the Mayan prophesies, it makes one take pause because it would seem that the world is indeed about to cease, to implode on Herself. How much more can this earth and Her children really take? This is scary stuff.

I find myself feeling guilty because in the light of all of this ugly, how can I even begin to feel thankful. Yet, I do. But, I have a theory.

For quite a while now, I have had the personal belief that there is a black and white, a yin and yang in life. I also personally believe that if this balance isn't maintained, we, as a people will suffer. Some, like me and my clan of friends, feel these shifts and imbalances. I think many in the world feel this , not all are comfortable enough to acknowledge it, but make no mistake, they feel it.

There is joy and pain, there is happiness and sadness, there is fortune and there is poverty. As you read these words, there are certain thoughts that will come to mind, depending on your point of reference. To me joy is freedom from stereotype and boundaries, pain is having to live by someone else's definition of who I should be just to fit in or save a relationship. Happiness is complete comfort in your own skin, sadness is looking in the mirror and wondering what the hell happened. Fortune, to some its accumulating financial independence. To me, it's family and friends, comfort in my tribe, comfort of having what I need, not necessarily what I want. Poverty would be living an extreme life that is devoid of any joy, happiness, or true fortune. What does all this mean to you. It would service your soul for the good to ask and answer these questions.

It is truly hard to find joy and thankfulness after hearing what happened today at that school. Mass shooting and killing, it rips the soul apart. I don't want to even turn on my television in the morning any more. But, this is my plea to you. Acknowledge these tragedies, feel the pain with all your heart and say a silent prayer to your higher power for peace and love. Cry and mourn. But then, turn your self around and stand tall, face all this misery and ugly hatred, and look it square in the eye. Vow that your heart, mind, and soul will not give energy to this black hole in life. Vow to be better because of it, to be more compassionate, to be more loving. Vow that every morning you will wake up and be thankful for all that you have, for the new day, for the people in it, for the opportunities that are set before you. In doing so, we will balance out the ugly and painful, maybe even over power it, weaken it.

Without it there is no reference. Being thankful would have no meaning without the dark side to remind us to look at the blessings that we have before us. This balance is as old as ancient times. But some of what is happening today does not serve to balance us, it intends to destroy us if we let it. We have to take the good with the bad, but we do not have to take the truly evil at all.

I once read that we are all connected by threads of energy. What type of energy surging through these connections are all up to each one of us. If we all make a conscious decision to send only the positive, if we let our light shine brighter, and our tribe and our brother's tribes do the same, love and joy will always prevail, then we can be truly thankful.

"Sibling Revivalry"

I was on my way home from a wonderful visit with my little sis, my mom, and my niece and nephew. Since life lived finds us with about 800 miles of earth between us, we have found a half way point that offers fun things to do and a comfy place to stay to spend some time together. As I was traveling back toward my corner of the world, my youngest daughter was traveling toward her big sis for a visit. Again, these sisters find that life lived has also created an earth span of about 800 miles between them too. I wonder if they feel as I do........................

Well, having nothing much to do but sit and steer, I had time to let my mind wander. It wandered back in time, thinking about me and my little sister and how life and growing up is a winding road full of laughter, love, and the occasional bout of sibling turmoil. I tried to think back to my very first recollections of me and my sis. I remember back when she was young and we shared a bedroom together. I remember the toy and teddy bear tea parties and the fights over which side of the bedroom was whose. I remember one such argument ended up with my sis having to go to the emergency room to get a few stitches in her head. Well.......she was teasing me, and I chased her, and I can't help it if she is clumsy on her feet. Not like me, I was graceful. (or so I thought) I was also scared of what my mom and dad were going to do to me when they got home, not to mention afraid for my sister too. Oh, then you promise yourself that you will try to love your sister more, even IF she hogs your side of the bedroom. But, alas, the promise doesn't last very long, and you're at it again. Growing up together is a bittersweet journey. Some of it is fraught with squabbles, crabbing, jealousy, competitiveness. But much more of it is sharing, loving, and a lot of giggling. I smile as I drive on..............

Now, in my minds eye, we are older, I'm married and she is here to visit. The visits are such fun, and yet, they reveal something strange. I am living far away now, and because of that, I don't see the gradual growing and blossoming of my dear little sis. When I left, she was this “irritating but can't help love her” kinda kid. When did she grow up? Heck, our single male friends even want to meet her, maybe take her to dinner. Really!! My little sister, no way, she's not old enough for that. Huh?.......... She has gone to school, is in her first career, working for a living. She has an opinion and some life experience to back it up. WOW!! I'm having babies, and she, playing the confident and fun Auntie steps in to help out when and where she can. Whether it be back home, over the phone as I struggle with the responsibilities and fears of new motherhood, or in person changing diapers and cuddling babies so I could get some much needed sleep, my little sister is slowly evolving into a close friend that I can't do without. Not that I couldn't do without her before, she was always important in my life. But, having children of your own to share with your sister, well that brings a whole new dimension to it all. The second generation, as it were, seems to change the dynamic of the first. I think even my sister, as she watched me become a mother and stumble my way through this time in my life, developed a sense of pride in her big sis. Not that she didn't have that before, but motherhood makes it different. It's that second generation thing again. I know that I feel a sense of pride so profound as I watched her become a mother and confidently raise my niece and nephew. The part that I am truly humbled by is that my little sister, not only is an awesome mother, but she has completed schooling and learning to develop a most impressive portfolio and has progressed herself into a career that is beyond words, all while being a loving mom and caring sister.

Now at times my pride has been a bit tainted by the green eyes of jealousy I have to admit. My little sister is an amazing woman. When I look down her life path, what I see makes me feel very proud and also a bit inadequate. Siblings measurement of each other is as old as Cain and Abel. Some siblings take pleasure in these differences and flaunt them to the other, parading one's success. Not my sister!! She is the most giving of her success than anyone I know. Having only completed high school, my earning power is a bit, well, standard. But to my sis, I am the richest woman who ever walked. She sees my worth in ways that I can't and reminds me of my treasures often. She champions my dreams and my life. I can have some of the most hare brained ideas to the rest of the world, but to my sis, I am a genius!! Some people think that I have fallen off my rocker and have lost touch with life, to my sis, I am a wise visionary. She supports my unconditional love of dogs, my desire for incense and long skirts, my tree hugging, my spirit searches, and all my ethereal ways. We tease that we are the proverbial city mouse and country mouse. I'm a little bit country and she is a little bit “New York minute”. When we shop, I sit and kindheartedly roll my eyes while we are in her stores, and she while we are in mine. But still, I can always find something in hers that is so “me” and she can in mine. It's the yin and yang of it all, different but the same, open to embracing and loving the difference in each other. It seems to me that this last visit, more than any, has made me realize how wonderful the love between we two sisters really is. She will do anything for me and my dreams, and I would do the same for hers.

I need gas and to get out to stretch, fuel up the car; maybe get a snack. Still my thoughts of my sister and the time we had just spent are in the forefront of my mind and again I smile.

Back on the road, back to my journey down memory lane..........

My sis and I, we have traveled down some similar roads to be sure. Both married, both divorced, both married again. Both have had some not so pleasurable relationships where without each other, we wouldn't have found the personal strength to get through. Both now have loving spouses, stable careers, wonderful children, and a life that we each call our own. We have each had to build this life pretty much as a singular body, but always with the love and support from the other. Thank the heavens above for modern technology!!! What with phones, computers, texting and the like, the 800 miles of earth between us doesn't feel quite so daunting as it used too. As we have aged and grown closer, technology has kept up with our relationship. Being able to pick up the phone to hear her voice as I share my triumphs and tragedies and being able to be on the other end of that phone when she needed me for support or cheer; has been a Godsend. Every day at my job, receiving an email from my sis instantly brightens my day. At any given point in time I can look at my cell phone and there is a quick text and maybe a picture to make me smile. We are connected by the techno of it all. For that I am glad. Still, its not the same as being together in person. There have been times that the phone just wasn't close enough, and if there was a magic to make us transport ourselves to each others side, we'd have used it.........

I think of my two girls and wonder if they feel the same way. Their relationship has always had the technology with it. Still, I wager a guess that they also feel the tug of a heart string when they chat on the phone and wish that it could be over coffee, sitting across from the other. I wonder, as they grow into their lives, how they will learn to create the time and space of sisterly togetherness. I feel a bit sad for them, as I do myself at times. No matter how much you talk, text, or email, you still miss being here.

The times of “here” are few and far between. Before we part, we always start planning our next meeting. Spare change goes into a special piggy bank, a date on the calendar is marked, travel plans are made. It gets us through.

They say that the world is connected by invisible threads. These threads are the connections of love. Many different threads, many different kinds love. But, the threads of love between sisters is one of the strongest that are ever created. It holds our memories suspended until we can be together and begin again.........................................

"The Family Tree"

The family tree..............let's ponder on this a bit.

A tree is rooted in the soil, one main trunk that grows upward, branching out in all directions. Each branch and leaf seeking its own path and power. As much as the tree grows upwards and outwards, it is forever permanently connected to the trunk and to the soil from which it originated, once only a tiny seed.

The tree can be a mighty oak, strong and singular. Or it can be a hybrid, one trunk on which another is grafted. The branches, leaves and fruit are a combination of the two.

As I ponder, a vision forms................I see in my mind's eye, a sunny hillside. On top of that hill is a massive tree. Thick of trunk, and the branches, covering the expanse of the universe. This impressive tree sways in the light, gently rocked by the breeze of life and love. It's movement is almost hypnotic.

I think of the family tree in this light. A large expansive connected mass reaching out in all directions. Think of your family tree for a moment. Who do you see here? Mom and Dad, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles, our children, and in my case, all the dogs I have loved before, and of present time. Maybe even a few cats, gerbils, hamsters, snakes, and other assorted flora and fauna. All these souls represent who we are and how we got here. None less important than the other, all play a part in the whole. Like the leaves of the tree who collect the sunlight and send it down the branches to the tree. And, the roots hidden deep below the earth, even though not seen, play the essential role of sipping up life's water and sending it into the heart and soul of the tree. No one part has a bigger roll than the other. All together, they make a solid impressive presence in the world. It says, “Look at me, I am the sum of all my parts, and I am beautiful!” Truly, yes!!

When I look at my own family tree, I see some unique characteristics. My family tree has been, at times, a meandering one. I have been married, lost loved ones in my life, married again. I have grown many branches on my tree. Step children, step grandchildren, other aunts and uncles, many relatives. In all of this, there is much life lived. Some remind me of happy times spent in the sunlight, on the upper most branches. Yet, some remind me of the dark, sad days spent in mourning and despair. Much like being buried under the earth, like roots, cold, dark, much too quiet. In these dark times, I was presented with a surprising realization of life, love, and yes, the definition of the family tree.

Family is what it is. Be it blood or other bond, family is the cohesive existence of many different souls all growing their own direction, each seeking their own path and power. Yet all supported and nurtured as a whole.

I thought about it..... my family tree is truly a hybrid. The trunk of my tree is indeed large of girth and solid as steel (thank you mom and dad for being my base and beginning). My branches consist of family past and present, and other families, past and present. Even though you sadly say good bye to loved ones, in whatever form that may be; when one branch becomes withered and falls away, the other branches still remain. Although not directly your blood, always, your bond. They are here, forever in your family tree. And they are yours, to love, to care for, and to support.

I wouldn't have it any other way...........................

"Suspended Animation"

You know what I mean? It's that moment in your daily life when something hits you right between the eyes. It stops you cold and you can feel life "suspend" in time. It lifts you off the ground, so you don't have good footing anymore. You can't quite catch your breath, and you feel a bit queasy. You can't get a grip on the ground so that you can move forward. It holds you up by the back of your neck like some ugly ogre (the kind with a big club and a whorty face.......ick). Maybe that is why the feeling of suspended animation can be accompanied by the hair going up on the back of your neck, it's the ogre, and he's got you!!

It happened to me this week. News from home, my mom was not well. She was going to have a procedure to make her better. At that moment, I felt the ogre reach out and snatch me up. Many questions came, when, why, who. All the questions were asked and answered. You would think that this would be enough to make ogre put you down. You know the drill now, so on with it. But no, it's more than that. Knowing is not, well, knowing. You are in that time of suspended animation because, NOT knowing, you can't move forward. Not until you know you can move forward with that person, my mom, again.

As I think of this concept, of moving forward together, it makes me realize that although we all move forward in one way or another, in our own separate lives, whatever threads that bind us all to one another move with us. When one of us stops, we all stop so as not to break the thread. So, does this make the ogre the puppeteer? Who's in control here? Hmmm, good question...............................One does see that we all, as a whole, move together. No matter how long the threads, if one person on that thread cannot continue, the rest of us will wait until they can.

Suspended animation is an uncomfortable thing. You can't move forward, all you can do is look back. That backward glance isn't always the best view either. Most reflections in the rear mirror are fraught with misgivings and missed chances; to tell someone you love them, you are proud of them, you miss them, you need them. All the things that you want to say but don't, stare straight at you when you are in suspended animation. You make a pact with the ogre.You will say these things, and much more, if he will only let you go and you are once again able to move forward, surrounded by the threads of love and care.

We all will be here from time to time in our lives. Suspended animation. It's potential is always right around the corner, ready to stop us in our tracks. We go from day to day, smug in our comfort zone totally ignoring the ogre in the room. Don't do that...............Don't become so confident in life that you forget in an instant the ogre could grab you and haul you right off your feet.

Yes we will all be there, of that I have no doubt. I guess the lesson here is while you are hanging there at the end of that dreadful ogre's arm, biding your time, waiting for your loved one to move ahead with you, make sure the view in the rear mirror holds no regrets.

"The Start"

The start, of anything; is an awesome, powerful, exciting, and terrifying place to be.

The start signifies a point in our lives where the forward movement begins. It is the point where our desires, our dreams, our passions are on the precipice of becoming whole and real. We have planned and questioned and thought and prayed. And now, we are ready to take that next step, and we start.

The start is forward movement. It has to be. We can spend much of our valuable time in stillness. Standing still can be the best move you can make.......for a while. Stillness is good, it allows one to reflect. Looking back on experiences, good and bad, then taking the time to embody how this has affected one's soul, is good....for a while. Why am I here at this place in my life, how do I feel about it right now? Listen closely, what does my heart and my soul say about this place, about thinking to start. Deep down inside, what is my desire, what do I need to start? Who or what do I need to put to the side to start?

Stillness can be hypnotic and deceivingly comfortable. But it can also blow the light out in the lamp of your soul. The start is uncomfortable and startling, it is exciting and scary, but this is the kindling that feeds the fire with in our souls. The fire that moves our heart into action.

So we will feed that fire and we will move forward, at the start. The beginning of a dream, of a life, of the realization of a desire so deep that stillness cannot keep it contained.

It's not easy, it's harder than you may think. Forever now, you have had a dream, a desire that has burned within you. It makes you feel alive and real. You know in your core that this is the dream that is yours and yours alone. You plan and research and read the road maps to your destination, and you're ready. Well that is, until you are at the start. The start of that journey is where you come face to face with your self. No one can take this step for you, and you can't take this step for any one BUT you. Even as you start, you may be looking back, wondering if this is right. But, remember that flame. The flame that moves your heart into action.

It's not easy coming to the start. Many will listen to those who are also standing at the start but don't move forward. Many will and do turn and run away. They return to stillness. It's comfortable, but inside, that flame burns a little less brightly. Some of the fuel has been taken away. They may be the nay sayers, those who you see as better than you, those who are supposed to know better. But what they all don't know is you and your dreams, that is your power, your fuel. Don't let them take away your fire.

You are your best friend, you are your best champion. Nothing any one says to you or about you is as true as the voice that comes from your own loving soul. Being this way isn't selfish or self centered, it's self reliant, and self radiant. It's self aware, and self loving. You would do anything for those that you love. You would stand there at the start with them and cheer them to success at the top of your voice. Why not cheer yourself on with that same gusto?

You will be at the start infinite times in your life. The feeling will always be the same. It is an awesome, powerful, exciting, and terrifying place to be. The good news is this, every time you are at the start, from this day forward, you will be more self reliant and self radiant than you were the time before. You will gain perspective and wisdom, you will feed your fire with awesome fuel and fan your flames with success and self love. Many times you will start, many times, you will succeed. Oh yes, to be sure, there will be times when you return to stillness, to that comfort and safety. But now, stillness will be a harbor along your journey, a place to drop anchor for just a bit, and take stock in your heart and soul. It will be a place to plan and to dream again, to reconnect with your inner most love and desire. You know you will start again, it is as sure as a sun rise. You may start in a different direction, you may start and go back. Either way, the start is moving forward.......................it has to be.

"Listen To Your Heart"

Such a simple statement, yet so darn hard to do. I have thought about this long and hard lately. Seems to me that turning 50 has made me quite the soul spelunker. What do I want to do with the second part of my life, knowing that this is the time for opportunity; is she knocking? Can't say that I would even hear her if she did.

I think, in order to listen to the whispers of your heart, you need to quiet the noise in ones' head. There is so much talk, discussion, arguing, cajoling, bargaining, yelling, and on and on, pick your adverb. And, yes this is all going on my head, yours too? Geez, no wonder we can't hear opportunity. She would need a sledge hammer to break through the din of all that.

So, what to do? Well, first off I am learning to meditate. Sounds simple, but again, so darn hard to do. Shutting up my brain is quite the feat. I am really loud!!! But, none the less, I continue. I sit quietly and use the visual of a golden yarn woven from words of strength, love, and good intentions. That yarn will wrap around any bad thoughts, feelings, or misguided pathways. The warmth from the glow will turn the ick into the fuel that feeds the golden ball of yarn. From there during my day, if I feel icky sneak up on me, I just close my eyes and see that golden ball of yarn. So far, it is working.

Then I find with that peace, I can work on forgiving me for being human and expecting too much. After all, I can only do so much and sometimes my alter ego.........hummm, I think I will call her "Icky", gets the better of me. I can be the most positive person in the world when helping others heal and come to love themselves, but gosh it is hard to heal my own soul. Go figure..........

I want the simpler existence, I want peace and calm, I don't want to worry about money, or work, or how I will pay the bills next month. Time and time again, it always works out, and the worry has just served to occupy my time in ways that don't serve me or my soul. Still, I find it hard to stay in the simpler existence. Still, I find that "Icky" is standing there in front of me, beckoning me to come with her down that path of crap that I am so familiar with.

Sigh................I do know one thing that is for certain!!! I KNOW without a doubt what my heart wants, and I KNOW without a doubt, that I will arrive there some day. The path is yet to be cleared, there is much under brush and thorny branches. But, every minute and every day that I can find my inner peace and work my own personal magic on my soul, is a minute and a day closer to my heart's desire. And, I KNOW that I can hear opportunity as she knocks. It's "Icky" that causes me not to answer at times, but I do, on occasion push past her. It feels so good to answer, and I want to answer more..........And I will.........

"Opportunity Knocks - How Will You Answer"

Tomorrow, like any other, is a gift. But tomorrow's gift is rare as it only comes around every 4 yrs. Tomorrow, we have the opportunity to have an extra day in this year 2012. How are you going to use your "gift" tomorrow?

This year 2012, foretold to be the year of great change. I like to believe that this change will be for the better, although, a glance at the news will make you tend to think otherwise. We try to find the subtle good that is in this world but the ugly keeps shouting at us. The opportunity for change is here, it lies with us, with in us. We must concentrate our energy and our time to making this world a better place, one day at a time, one "gift" at a time.

So, tomorrow, do a good deed, give of yourself, help a stranger, lend a helping hand, do a random act of kindness, speak only kind, soft words, pay it forward. Tomorrow, like any other, is a gift, but this one is especially precious. This is your opportunity, knocking quietly....how will you answer?